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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

October 24, 1995

So, who sits at the head table? World leaders gather at the United Nations:

* "On their first night in the United States, Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife decided to stay in their hotel and send out for American." (Bob Mills)

* "Most often-heard comment between leaders: Really, your wife is the one who runs things, too? " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "While most pegged the number of leaders attending at more than 180, the National Park Service's official count was 75." (Kenny Noble)

* "On Sunday, 185 world leaders stood for a group picture. On the count of three, the photographer made 184 of them smile by asking them to say, 'foreign aid.' " (Argus Hamilton)

* "It was the first time Boris Yeltsin's been photographed without a drink in his hand." (Cutler)

* "Central Park muggings were available in 76 languages." (Mills)

* "Fidel Castro mingled with other dictators of oppressed peoples: How do you do, Mr. Steinbrenner? " (Alan Ray)

* "The U.N. turns 50 today. I guess Bosnia is just a midlife crisis." (Joe Kevany)

*

Also in the news: Cutler, on O.J. returning to L.A. after a Florida golf vacation: "Next up, searching for Nicole's real killer while rafting the Snake River."

Hamilton, on weekend riots by federal prisoners, who claim their constitutional rights have been violated: "The Administration disagreed, saying the 14th Amendment does not guarantee an L.A. jury."

Neal Leibowitz, on Bob Dole reversing himself on whether to accept a campaign contribution from a gay Republican group: "Any more flip-flops and his GOP rivals will start whispering that he's a switch-hitter."

Ray, on FDA approval of a microwave treatment for enlarged prostates: "Patients report some discomfort--each time the doctor shuts the oven door."

Noble, on Robert MacNeil leaving the "MacNeil-Lehrer Report": "PBS without MacNeil will be like pledge night without a tote bag."

Comic Steve Tatham, on the new biography that suggests Mary Todd Lincoln trapped Abe into marriage by getting pregnant: "Researchers also reveal that Abe refused to discuss it at the time, saying only, 'That was one score and nine months ago.' "

Kevany, on Saturday's opening of the "WaterWorld" show at Universal Studios: "The first stunt was to bring the show in under $200 million."

Leibowitz, on "Showgirls" and "Jade": "With these flops piling up and successes receding further into the past, Hollywood wags are now starting to refer to the screenwriter as Joe Yesterhas."

*

Seal Beach reader Debbie Fawcett says her sister had just returned from a sonogram and was pointing out the baby's head, body and limbs to her son Kellen, then 4. When Cindy asked what he thought it would be, Kellen said "definitely a boy." When she asked why, he replied:

"Because there are no ribbons in the hair."

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