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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

October 30, 1995

In the news: Jenny Church, on Sunday's end of daylight-saving time: "Newt Gingrich went around and set all the clocks back. Sixty years."

Jay Leno, on Dan Quayle saying Colin Powell might not be a very good President because when the chips are down, Powell might not be willing to go on the offensive: "You all remember, when Powell was hiding in Vietnam, Quayle was bravely protecting the Dairy Queen in Bloomington, Ind."

Paul Ryan, on the University of North Carolina teaching students how to be sexually active while staying technically abstinent: "All they have to do is watch Bill Clinton. He keeps acting more and more like a Republican while technically staying a Democrat."

Tony Peyser, on Sen. Alfonse D'Amato regularly playing poker with a group of influential lobbyists: "The senator denied any ethical violation, and said the only time he ever did anything wrong was when he once tried to bluff with only a pair of threes."

Jerry Perisho, on Chrysler minivan latches that can result in passengers being ejected: "Once, however, Chrysler Credit Corp. gets you locked in, there is no escape."

Michelle Williams, on the fire that caused $250,000 damage to the Gucci store on Rodeo Drive: "Regular customers were in tears. But Gucci officials assured the faithful that both handbags will be immediately replaced."

* Adds Paul Ecker: "The fire was quickly doused by a Perrier salesman."

Leno, on Paula Barbieri, reportedly receiving an expensive necklace from ex-boyfriend Jon Peters: "O.J. says he's not upset, no hard feelings. In fact, today he sent Peters a Colombian necktie."

Alan Ray, on O.J.'s search for Nicole's real killer: "He said he'll find him, even if he has to search every sand trap and water hazard in America."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Atlanta Braves fans doing the "Tomahawk Chop": "The only way that could be more offensive is if it were done by O.J."

Bob Mills, on the Utah man sentenced to a year in jail for posing as a woman during a 2 1/2-year marriage to another man: "His ruse was finally exposed when, during a lengthy car trip, he only adjusted the air-conditioning once."

Church, on L.A. Superior Court dismissing a 1994 class-action lawsuit that alleged a monopoly by Ticketmaster: "In addition, the judge instituted a $2.50 surcharge on all parking tickets."

Ryan, on Peter McNeeley's comeback after losing to Mike Tyson: "He was shadowboxing yesterday and in 10 rounds got knocked down only twice."

*

L.A. reader Gary Watkins says that while daughter Madeleine, 3, was visiting her grandparents one day, he wanted to show them how bright she was. Dad asked what her eyes were for. Madeleine said for seeing. He next pointed to his ears, then his mouth. She answered both correctly. Finally, beaming with pride, Watkins pointed to his nose. Madeleine thought about it for a moment, then replied:

"For picking?"

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