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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

October 31, 1995

Trick or treat: "Most members of Congress stay home Halloween night. They feel that taking donations from neighbors while pretending to be someone they're not is too much like their regular job." (Bob Mills)

* "The President is still working on a new costume. You can only disguise yourself as a moderate so many times." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Actually, Bill Clinton will attend a Georgetown costume party, dressed as the Ghost of the Democratic Party." (Mills)

* "When tiny tots in pointed ears and funny faces come to your door, it can only mean one thing. The Ross Perot costume is a big seller." (Alan Ray)

* "O.J. masks aren't selling quite as well as previously expected. Apparently, kids realized that they would have to give all their goodies away to the kids in the Dream Team masks." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "After angry complaints, Washington Jaycees dropped plans for an 'O.J. Crime Scene' at their haunted house. But they will keep a 'Johnnie Cochran Bobbing for Alibis' exhibit." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "A little Halloween tip for kids. If you were planning to trick or treat at Alec Baldwin's house, do not dress up as a photographer." (Jay Leno)

* "Be careful dressing as Louis Farrakhan, with glasses and a bow tie. It is often confused with the popular 'Computer Geek' outfit." (Jerry Perisho)

*

In the news: Jenny Church, on Senate Budget Committee chairman Pete Domenici urging the President to "bring something to the table": "For Bill Clinton, that can only mean one thing: ketchup."

Argus Hamilton, on a Beatles anthology that features some songs never before released: "Interest is running so high that the surviving Beatles may be offered $100 million for pay-per-view. But they have to fight Mike Tyson."

Larry Swerdlow, on underwear manufacturer Fruit of the Loom closing eight plants: "The company wants to improve the bottom line."

Premiere Morning Sickness, on speculation that prosecutors may be forced to drop murder charges against rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg because of sloppy evidence: "Dogg was so excited with the news that he began chasing his tail."

Pearlstein, on Roy Rogers and Dale Evans announcing plans for a $45-million Western theme park in Victorville: "That's just what we need. Another city in California that's Trigger happy."

Neal Leibowitz, on Steven Spielberg understating his age: "It's an innocent mistake. He's blocked out of his mind completely the year he made 'Hook.' "

Joe Kevany, on newly crowned Monopoly champ Roger Craig: "In his first act as champion, he plans to fix up that eyesore, Baltic Ave."

*

Reader Judi Leimert's grandson Randal, 10, went in to wake up his great-grandmother, who was staying briefly at Leimert's home. The elderly woman wears a wig, but takes it off while sleeping. Randal soon came running out of the room, shouting:

"Come quick, great Nana has turned into a witch."

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