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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 10, 1995

Wrong number: Colin Powell says running for President "requires a calling that I do not yet hear."

* "Bob Dornan heard the calling. What he didn't know was, it was a prank call." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "The American Dental Assn. sent congratulations to the GOP on its general extraction technique." (Tony Lahood)

* "It was the greatest day in Bob Dole's life, other than the day they came out with that orange-flavored Metamucil." (Jay Leno)

* "It was one thing to face the Viet Cong in 'Nam, but quite another to face the religious reich in the Republican primaries." (Ethel Black)

*

Also in the news: Jenny Church, on JCPenney sending Christmas catalogues to all members of Congress: "Senators are flipping through it, to see if a trillion dollars will buy anything these days."

Argus Hamilton, on the Newt saying he's sick of people saying he does nothing for the poor: "He's right, it's not fair. On some days, he oversleeps."

Hamilton, on the Senate Whitewater committee planning to call President Clinton's Arkansas business partner, Jim McDougal: "McDougal is a retired banker. A judge retired him."

Leno, on the 100th anniversary of the invention of X-ray by Wilhelm Roentgen, who proved it a few weeks later by X-raying and photographing his wife's hand: "You know what the most amazing thing is? Blue Cross is still doing the paperwork."

Lahood, on Rush Limbaugh's new home page on the Internet: "It requires a wide-screen monitor, and even then is only visible on the far right side of the screen."

Cutler, on Limbaugh's new mail-order tie business: "The ties are extra wide for easy wiping of barbecue sauce."

Jerry Gilbert, on Jimmy Hoffa Jr. trying to succeed his late father as Teamsters president: "He's out campaigning, trying to cement his relationship with union members."

Stan Kaplan, on the bonuses given to O.J.'s prosecutors: "Actually it is hazardous duty compensation--for working near F. Lee Bailey's fumes."

Bob Mills, on demolition of Las Vegas' Landmark Hotel, once owned by the late Howard Hughes: "Workers sifting through the rubble found a counterfeit keno ticket signed by Melvin Dummar."

Kaplan, on Taco Bell's decision to add menu items with bacon: "It's customer-convenient. Now you can get oil and gas at the same place."

Alan Ray, on leeches now being used in some plastic surgeries: "The procedure is fairly simple. Once the doctor exhausts all other options, he refers the patient to a lawyer."

*

Ontario reader Rafael Vicente and daughter Laura, 4, were channel-surfing the other day when they happened upon Fox TV's "The Simpsons." Without blinking an eye, Laura said:

"Oh look, Daddy. The Bart Simpson trial is on!"

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