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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 13, 1995

Start the presses . . . Marcia Clark ($4.2 million) and Chris Darden ($1.5 million) ink book deals.

* "They tried to sell the story in court, but the jurors wouldn't buy it." (Jenny Church)

* "Marcia proudly acknowledged her book deal. It's about time somebody in this case made a killing and admitted it." (Steve Tatham)

* "The deals were closed weeks ago, but delayed due to numerous defense objections." (Tony Peyser)

* "Clark's contract is so outrageously big that she's now automatically eligible to play in the 1996 NBA All-Star Game." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "Darden hasn't even written a word of his book yet, and he's already worried that the jacket won't fit." (Bob Mills)

* "If you are inept, you can still collect." (Bill Williams)

*

Didn't he have call waiting? . . . Jim Hightower, on Colin Powell saying he won't run: "So now the Republicans are back to the Peggy Lee lineup-- Is That All There Is? "

Among the Top 10 reasons Colin Powell isn't running, according to David Letterman:

* Have you ever moved into a house after hillbillies have lived there?

* Was under the impression he'd have to marry Hillary.

* Duties as President would take time away from duties as secretary/treasurer of Leonard Nimoy Fan Club.

* Afraid he'd be embarrassed by his deadbeat brother, Roger Powell.

* Five words: "White House Correspondent Sam Donaldson."

*

Also in the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on White House representatives saying there is no chance of avoiding a government shutdown this week: "Bureaucrats warn that the backup supply of red tape could be exhausted by Dec. 1."

Argus Hamilton, on Sunday's 49er/Cowboy football game: "The Niners had a shrewd game plan. Jerry Rice would take Deion Sanders out of the game early by introducing him to a wholesale jeweler."

Mills, on word that the El Torito frog taco probably was a hoax: "Executives at Jim Henson Productions recognized the frog in the TV news clips as Kermit's convicted con-artist uncle, Herman."

* Adds Jay Leno: "Turns out, this is the work of a man calling himself the Unafrogger. This guy says he will continue to put frogs in tacos until Nature magazine prints his manifesto."

Stephanie Miller, on the unveiling of the new Teacher Barbie: "She's just like Malibu Barbie, only she can't afford a Corvette and, of course, she has a bullet-proof vest."

*

Torrance reader Diane Brown says that her great-niece Kayleigh, 7, ran the 50-yard dash during her school's Sports Day. Asked how it went, Kayleigh replied:

"It was OK. But why do they put the finish line so far from the beginning?"

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