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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 15, 1995

Uncle Sam, Unplugged: "What do you call 800,000 government workers forced to stay home? A good start ." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "At Mt. Rushmore, they had to lay off two faces." (Jay Leno)

* "The federal government is broke. Democrats are blaming Republicans and Republicans are blaming Robert Citron." (Paul Ecker)

* "The National Weather Service will remain operational, though there's a 50% chance that may change." (Cutler)

* "What's it called when 800,000 federal workers aren't doing their jobs? Wednesday. " (Jerry Perisho)

* "Sen. Bob Dole predicted the shutdown would be more than a 'one-day affair.' As in, Wham, Bam, thank you Uncle Sam?" (Jenny Church)

*

Also in the news: Bob Mills, on the newly discovered fish that can change sex at will: "It works out great on long migrations. The males switch themselves to females whenever they have to stop and ask directions."

Leno, on reports that Paula Barbieri is coming out with her own line of skin-care products: "That makes sense. If anyone knows how to save her own skin, it's somebody who just broke up with O.J."

David Letterman, on Veterans' Day: "Bill Clinton celebrated in the usual way. He signed up for classes at Oxford and registered for ROTC."

Mills, on a study that suggests the regular use of condoms increases their efficiency: "Researchers also acknowledged that they have to put up with a lot of ribbing."

*

Sports shorts: Leno, on the Washington Bullets changing its name because its owners did not want the NBA team associated with the image of crime: "So from now on, instead of the Washington Bullets, the team is just going to be known as the Bullets."

Cutler, on Kurt Gibson's 1988 World Series home run being voted L.A.'s finest sports moment: "In second place, the day all Dodger fans stayed until the end of a game."

Argus Hamilton, on Nebraska allowing accused woman abuser Lawrence Phillips back on the football team: "The school shows no respect for women. For the senior dance, it is trying to hire James Brown."

Tony Peyser, on Peter McNeeley's court appearance in Boston following a weekend nightclub brawl: "The arraignment was cut short when McNeeley's manager jumped in and said he didn't want his boxer to get hurt."

*

Claremont reader Maryalice Jones was driving when an oldies tune, sung in a familiar baritone voice, came on the car radio: "Alone, alone on a night that was meant for love. . . ." With a quizzical look on his face after hearing the lyrics, Jones' 3-year-old son turned to her and said:

"He's asking her for money, isn't he Mom?"

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