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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 27, 1995

Among the Top 10 surprises in Princess Di's interview, according to David Letterman:

* Once screamed at Elizabeth, "Who died and made you Queen?"

* Works nights at Euro-Hooters.

* That lame new Beatles song? Her idea.

* Larry King once tried to trick her into marriage by claiming to be "King Larry."

* Charles kept urging her to get ear implants.

* Loves the fish; can't stand the chips.

*

Also in the news: Paul Ryan, on the Bosnian peace accord: "The factions agreed to divide the country in half: smoking and nonsmoking."

Brad Halpern, on California being named the 42nd best-managed state in the nation: "Among the other states that beat us were State of Confusion and State of Shock."

Jenny Church, on the tax court ruling against a man who won cash and a car on "Wheel of Fortune": "The IRS had said that he couldn't deduct buying a vowel as a legitimate business expense."

Jay Leno, on the Frenchwoman who claimed she killed her husband because of his excessive flatulence: "In fact, she testified that when he died in her arms, his last request was, 'Pull my finger.' "

Premiere Morning Sickness, on the new Disney housing development in Florida: "You can buy a home there for $180,000, or $100,000 if you're willing to spend weekends dressed as a pants-less duck."

Bob Mills, on an FBI study that shows prostitution arrests are down 22% since 1985: "Hookers are spending less time on the streets and more time guesting on daytime talk shows."

Alan Ray, on a poll showing that while 96% of kids recognize Michael Jordan, only 25% know Sen. Bob Dole: "One makes a ton of money flying through the air and endorsing corporate sponsors. The other plays basketball."

Alex Kaseberg, on the Alabama convention for people who claim to have seen UFOs: "This is a very important gathering. It gives 'Star Trek' conventioneers someone to laugh at."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on "Free as a Bird," the new Beatles song: "There is a secret message if you play it backward. It's John Lennon saying, 'Leave my leftover songs alone.' "

Leno, on the cancellation of "SeaQuest": "Or as we called it at NBC, 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Ratings.' "

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Glendora reader Taylor Chance says that when a close relative of a son-in-law died, Chance's daughter Cheri decided that her daughter Kendra, 7, and son Nicholas, 4, were old enough to attend the funeral. Cheri instructed the children to be sure to tell their cousins how sorry they were that their great-aunt had died. Momentarily silent, an indignant Nicholas then asked:

"Why? I didn't kill her."

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