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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 28, 1995

In the news: Argus Hamilton, on negotiating Federal Express pilots saying they won't work overtime during the Christmas delivery season: "We can still send everything through the U.S. mail. The gifts will be just as appreciated around Valentine's."

Bob Mills, on Ireland legalizing divorce: "Backers credited their win to last-minute endorsements by Liz Taylor, Mickey Rooney and Zsa Zsa Gabor."

Steve Tatham, on the 5% increase in holiday sales: "Most of it is attributed to presidential candidates shopping for new ideas."

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: "They say the best gifts are those from the heart. So this year, I'm giving aortas."

Cutler, on the Newt blaming the welfare state for a brutal slaying of a family: "Is it just me, or is he turning out to be a few members short of a quorum?"

Tony Peyser, on four New York men dying after ingesting a purported aphrodisiac: "The product was manufactured by a Spanish fly-by-night operation."

Alan Ray, on the Princess Diana doll, which will be out in time for Christmas: "To turn her on, you just put on a Calvary uniform."

Alex Kaseberg, on a Domino's employee awarded $237,000 after his female boss sexually harassed him: "Poor guy. It seems she demanded that he 'deliver' in 30 minutes or less."

Ray, on the No. 1-ranked Nebraska football team: "The Cornhuskers offer the most unique college scholarships in the nation: tuition, room and bail."

Alex Pearlstein, on the creation of the Visa Rainbow Card for gay, lesbian and bisexual consumers: "The card's great. Now you can come out of the closet and go right into debt."

Mills, on Barry Diller buying control of Home Shopping Network: "The catch was, he also had to buy 5,000 pairs of overpriced zirconia earrings."

*

Among the Top 10 things overheard at the White House Thanksgiving dinner, according to David Letterman:

* "This turkey died after Newt Gingrich cut its Medicare."

* "Commander-in-Chief to Air Force One: Release gravy bomb."

* "Daddy, I'm thankful that in a year we can move back to Arkansas."

* "Do they always make Warren Christopher eat at the kids' table?"

* "The Pentagon made this stuffing for only $32,000."

*

While Valencia reader Maria Krapf was helping a friend put together some outfits for her second marriage and honeymoon, the woman's daughter, 11, seemed curious about it. Mom jokingly explained that she was preparing her trousseau. When the prospective groom arrived an hour later and asked where her mom was, the young girl replied:

"Mom's in the bedroom, preparing her torso."

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