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LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

November 29, 1995

Good Morning Bosnia: "President Clinton said he promised our allies two years ago that he would send 25,000 troops to Bosnia if there was a peace agreement. No one can believe it. He picked a fine time to keep his word." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Clinton said we are required to send troops because of U.S. values. So I guess the first action will be to install angry rap music, junk food, violent movies and sleazy talk shows." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "It's like the '60s all over again. The Beatles are at the top of the charts, James Bond is the No. 1 movie, American troops are heading overseas and Tuesday, Bill Clinton is going to England." (Jay Leno)

* "Clinton is right, Bosnia is vastly different from Vietnam. There's much less humidity." (Bob Mills)

*

In the news: Jerry Perisho, on Nate Holden saying he was going to Disneyland after being cleared of sexual harassment: "Snow White has deadbolted the cottage and armed the Seven Dwarfs."

Alan Ray, on Boris Yeltsin checking out of a hospital and into a sanitarium: "Aides say he's taking only light meals--Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Light."

Jenny Church, on ex-Orange County Treasurer Robert Citron's pre-sentence hearing: "He was so consistent in picking flops, he started believing he was Kevin Costner."

Gary Moore, on the slumping L.A. Kings: "They should change the name to the Possums. They fall asleep at home and get killed on the road."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Michigan Cub Scout leader rejected for a higher post because he is a Muslim: "You mean you have to have a personal relationship with Jesus to build a campfire?"

Cutler, on TV preacher Garner Ted Armstrong stepping down after being accused of sexual assault: "Our reading for today--the Miranda rights."

*

In the Newt: "Gingrich said he's not going to run for President because he has so many things yet to do as House Speaker. That's right. This man will not rest until every senior citizen in this country is living on cat food." (David Letterman)

* "Newt has a unique leadership style: Walk softly and carry a big book contract." (Ray)

* "I'm kind of glad Newt's not running. Nothing against Newt but, you know, the fun of electing a new President is watching the guy's hair turn white in the first two years." (Leno)

* "He said family members convinced him not to run. Apparently, 65% of them also said they didn't even want to spend Thanksgiving with him next year." (Tony Peyser)

* "Gingrich said he won't endorse anybody. He won't endorse anything, unless it's a check from a lobbyist." (Cutler)

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Manhattan Beach reader Judy Herman was baby-sitting niece Jessica, then 3, and the girl's father offered to transfer her car seat, "in case you want to go anywhere." Polite and helpful, Jessica chimed in:

"I would prefer to go to Burger King. I'll show you where it is on the globe."

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