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LAUGHLINES

Punchlines

February 01, 1996

In the news: Conservative Pat Buchanan won the Alaska straw poll over Bob Dole and Steve Forbes. Argus Hamilton says the voters weren't too excited over their choices: "Alaskans know a dog race when they see one."

A new poll shows Forbes ahead of Dole in New Hampshire. Says Alan Ray, "The Kansas senator has a real problem with fund-raising. Liz can only give so many speeches."

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Bob's been dour and sour ever since his State of the Union response. Aside from that, he really hasn't been himself."

Jets flew the "missing man" formation over Cape Canaveral last week to commemorate the Challenger disaster. Says Brian Matthews, "In Arkansas, they flew the 'missing documents' formation over the Whitewater site."

The state Assembly rejected a bill to bring back paddling. Says Joe Kevany, "Had it passed, paddling would have been done by the local SWAT team."

Quintuplets in Pensacola, Fla., are celebrating their first birthday. According to Ray, "Their parents say the biggest hurdle hasn't been the diaper bill, it's been the diaper pail."

Bankrupt Pan Am is returning as a domestic airline. Says Bob Mills, "To symbolize the company's remarkable comeback, the tail of each plane will have a portrait of John Travolta."

Michael Jackson reportedly had an agreement to pay Lisa Marie Presley $15 million if she remained his wife for more than a year. Says Bill Williams, "If this is true, it'll be the highest price ever paid for a piece of Elvis memorabilia."

On Broadway, "Cats" has surpassed "A Chorus Line" as the longest-running musical. Says Mills, "That's 6,138 consecutive performances, 378 cast changes, 4,609 trays of kitty litter and 1,673 couches that needed to be replaced because of excessive claw-sharpening."

*

Little man on campus: At age 10, Steve Lu has become the youngest person to enroll at a Cal State University.

* "He'll take 13 units, including biology, computer science and shoelace-tying." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* "His IQ is 194, about the same as the number of times he's been called 'Squirt.' " (Tony Peyser)

* "He joined a frat but quit after a day, saying, 'They act just like children.' " (Cutler)

* "Maybe he's smart," said a CSU football player, "but when's the last time the little jerk drank beer through his nose and mooned the administration building?" (Jerry Perisho)

*

Reader Miriam Holden of Palos Verdes Estates says Great-Grandmother was visiting for dinner and her custom of saying grace before each meal was unfamiliar to some of the younger family members. When all were seated and served, she lowered her head and began her prayer of thanks. Just then, little Stacey, 3, lifted her fork and took a bite. Big brother Ron, 7, stopped her, saying:

"No, we can't start eating until Grammy stops mumbling to her plate."

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