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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

February 12, 1996

In the news: The U.S. government may step in and rebuild Cuba's telephone system. Says Argus Hamilton, "After 35 years the CIA has finally figured out a way to get Castro. If there's one thing a dictator can't stand, it's call waiting."

Astronomers say late next month a comet will pass within 10 million miles of Earth. In political terms, says Jerry Perisho, "That's about as close as Bob Dornan will come to being elected president."

Steve Forbes is promising that lower taxes will actually raise more federal revenue. Ronald Reagan promised the same thing, Hamilton notes. "Voters are determined to keep trying this until it works."

The Pentagon bookstore reportedly hasn't sold a single copy of Hillary Clinton's book. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "To make it more appealing to the Pentagon, she's tripling the price."

National Football League team owners met last week in Chicago. Hamilton says these guys are really out of control. "In their first item of business, they voted to move the meeting to another city."

The FCC approved Disney's purchase of ABC. Says Cutler, "On the drawing board: 'This Week With Donald Duck,' featuring assorted quacking heads in Washington."

The IRS is promising that people who file their tax returns by computer will get their refunds much quicker. Yeah, yeah, says Johnny Robish, "The check's in the e-mail."

On the trend of doctors getting their MBAs, Bill Williams wonders why. "They've already perfected the downsizing of their patients' wallets."

Three paintings, including two Picassos, stolen from New York's Kennedy Airport were found but turned out to be fakes. Says Cutler, "Sounds like a case for 'NYPD Blue Period.' "

*

Can't keep 'em down: American Airlines has published a cookbook with recipes for those delicious in-flight meals:

* "It comes with cooking instructions and a three-day supply of barf bags." (Perisho)

* "Their next book will be, 'How to Perform Corrective Knee Surgery With a Beverage Cart.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

*

Iron your own damn cape: After almost 60 years of being an item, Lois Lane will dump Superman in this week's edition of Action Comics:

* "She said the thrill was gone from their relationship. It was like Superman was looking right through her." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "In the end, the brokenhearted hero attends a meeting of Superheroes Without Partners." (Tony Peyser)

*

Reader Audrey Schneiderman of Newport Beach says her friend's son Chris, 6, came trudging dejectedly home from first grade at his parochial school and announced to his mother that he was "flunking religion." What happened? The teacher had asked him to name the Holy Family. Said Chris:

"I remembered Mary and I remembered Joseph but I couldn't remember the name of the kid."

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