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LAUGH LINES

Punch lines

February 19, 1996

Today is Presidents Day: Wonders Kenny Noble, "If this is the day nobody in Washington does any work, why don't we call it Vice Presidents Day?"

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, "Ah, yes, the day we honor those famous American patriots J.C. Penney and Montgomery Ward."

* "Historians now know why George Washington chopped down that cherry tree. He was going after the conservative Republican vote." (Alan Ray)

*

In the news: The year is barely 6 weeks old and already there have been 26 disaster declarations.

* "27, if you include 'Cutthroat Island.' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

a * "28, if you count the Steelers' performance in the Super Bowl." (Jerry Perisho)

* "29, if you add the Phil Gramm campaign." (Cutler)

Larry Pratt, co-chairman of Pat Buchanan's campaign, was ousted following reports linking him to white supremacist and militia groups:

* "Buchanan says the charges are false, but just to be safe he'll stop riding around in black helicopters." (Cutler)

* "His departure was a classic political Pratt-fall." (Kathy Peyser)

The trial of Dr. Jack Kevorkian is beginning. He's charged with assisting the suicides of 27 people. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "It would have been 28 but one man survived. 'I've never lost one before,' said a distraught Kevorkian."

Some companies are putting ID photos on credit cards now, notes Buddy Baron. "I hope they're not as bad as driver's license photos--you'd never look like you were good for the money."

A British scientist is searching the Pacific for the huge, elusive giant squid. Call the beast "Sashimi-squatch," says Hope Frazier.

The four networks are discussing a possible new system of rating TV shows. Says Argus Hamilton, "Not a moment too soon. The last time Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, kissed her horse it looked like she meant it."

* Adds Noble, "CBS is in favor of any ratings system that will boost theirs."

If Val Kilmer doesn't return as Batman, Warner Bros. may replace him with "ER" star George Clooney:

* "However, Clooney is insisting he be called 'Dr. Batman.' " (Premiere)

* "Who would have ever thought we'd hear Robin say, 'To the defibrillator, Batman! Stat!' " (Pearlstein)

Jennifer Aniston of "Friends" shows off her bare backside on the cover of Rolling Stone. Says Cutler, "Yes, the cast of 'Friends' is definitely overexposed."

*

Reader Joe Wisong of Anaheim has two great-aunts who are quite religious, quite elderly and talk frequently about their eternal destination. During a recent visit, Wisong's son Eric, 4, listened intently to the conversation. One aunt asked, "Do you want to go to heaven, Eric?" He looked from aunt to Dad, who was putting on a jacket just then, and replied:

"No, I want to go with Dad."

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