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Punch Lines

February 20, 1996

In the news: The National Aerobics Championships were held in Los Angeles over the weekend. Says Alex Pearlstein, "It was the most impressive display of huffing, puffing, sidestepping and leg-pulling since the last City Council meeting."

Students at Yale have discovered 600 brains stored in a subbasement by a professor of neuropsychology. Says Paul Steinberg, "I've always heard that Yale had some of the best minds in the country, but who knew they were in jars?"

A Texas man was awarded $6,000 after being bitten by a rattlesnake in a Wal-Mart store. Premiere Morning Sickness says, "Wal-Mart employees were commended, however, for rushing him through the '10 hours to live or less' checkout lane."

Looks like Lamar Alexander, while he was president of the University of Tennessee, steered $100,000 in state business to a hotel owned by his wife, Honey. Says Argus Hamilton, "Isn't that sweet? He calls her Honey and she calls him Gravy."

Alexander didn't have a quick answer when a reporter asked him the price of eggs and milk. But Hamilton says his response was completely presidential: "He ordered an aide to go live in the real world for a day and bring back a full report."

Steve Forbes lost in Iowa but at least he knows the price of eggs, says Jenny Church. "The egg on his face cost him $4 million."

An appeals court ruled that a local community can set obscenity guidelines for computer material, no matter where the material came from. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Dumping trash along the information superhighway results in a minimum $200 fine."

General Motors is developing a virtual test lab to save the cost of real crash tests for cars. Says Neal Feinberg, "Even easier, they could just give free cars to motorists in Italy."

A Domino's Pizza employee in Illinois has been charged with delivering marijuana in addition to pizzas. "That's a great way to generate business," says Steinberg. "Especially if they deliver the pot first."

About the V-chip that's supposed to screen out TV shows with sex and violence, Buddy Baron wonders, "If you put it in backward, can you get dirty versions of regular shows?"

There was a huge toy fair last week in Manhattan. Says Alan Ray, "The Madonna Checkers game has a new twist: You jump every man in sight."

John Travolta reportedly closed a movie deal for $20 million plus one dollar. Says Church, "Why should other actors resent that deal? Travolta deserves to make a buck--after his agent takes his cut."


While Lore Kingsley of Pacific Palisades and her husband, Joe, were visiting their children in Maryland, they asked son Roger how long he had been in his current job. "I started 16 years ago," he said. Said granddaughter Melissa, 8:

"Then, I was minus 8."

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