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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

February 22, 1996

Elephant stampede: You gotta love the GOP, says Phil Willen. "First they want to put the whole country on the Dole. Now it looks like they want to give us a loose Bu-cannon."

* "By edging Bob Dole, Pat Buchanan is reshaping the Republican race. Problem is, the new shape is that of Rush Limbaugh." (Paul Ecker)

* "Looking ahead, one top Dole campaign official said, 'South Carolina is the big enchilada.' But right now, Dole is in deep guacamole." (Jenny Church)

* "Buchanan ran strongest with religious conservatives, anti-Establishment . . . and comedians hungry for new material." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

On Steve Forbes' distant fourth-place finish, Cutler says, "Sorry, Steve. America is not going to elect a president who makes Mr. Rogers sound like James Earl Jones."

*

In the news: The fast-food industry is in a high-calorie arms race. Pizza Hut is offering Triple Decker Pizza and McDonald's is testing a Triple Cheeseburger. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Blue Cross is introducing Triple Bypass Supreme."

More than a million visitors are in New Orleans this week for Mardi Gras. Bob Mills says it began with the traditional Running of the Falling-Down Drunks.

Ukraine reportedly has been selling planes to Colombian drug smugglers. Says Cutler, "That upsets the U.S. government, which wishes they were still renting planes from the CIA."

AT&T Chairman Robert Allen just laid off 40,000 workers. Says Argus Hamilton, "If he keeps it up, pretty soon AT&T will stand for 'Allen & Two Temps.' "

Broadway producers are following baby boomers all the way to the end, says Hamilton. "They're updating the musical 'Hair,' only this time they're calling it 'Rogaine'--'This is the dawning of the Age of Minoxidil. . . .' "

In Michigan, a senator is trying to remove prison televisions because "prisoners shouldn't be entertained." Says Joe Vogel, "I get the feeling it's been awhile since the senator has watched TV."

*

The Other Pat B.: All-American crooner Pat Boone is planning a heavy-metal album and tour, with songs by head-bangers Megadeth, Metallica and others:

* "Why not? His music has always inspired me to bang my head." (Cutler)

* "He'll call the album 'April Courtney Love.' " (Mills)

* "At his age, maybe he should call it 'Metal-mucil.' " (Charlie Reinke)

*

Reader Norma Oreskovich took daughter Kathy, 9, to the dentist to have an infected rear tooth pulled. To reassure her, the dentist told Kathy to just lie back and he would give her some anesthetic that would put her to sleep.

"It won't work," she replied. "I always sleep on my stomach."

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