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LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

February 26, 1996

The run for the Rose Garden: Watching a cowboy-hatted Pat Buchanan ride through Tucson atop a horse-drawn wagon, Argus Hamilton wondered, "Where's Rodgers and Hammerstein when you need them? It looked like a surrey with the lunatic fringe on the top."

* Adds Charlie Reinke, "Looking at some of Buchanan's most avid supporters, it's kind of ironic that he hosted a show called 'Crossfire.' "

Buchanan joked that Bob Dole's loss in New Hampshire was due to a "bad hair day." Says Jenny Church, "So, for Steve Forbes was it a bad heir day?"

Lamar Alexander, former president of the University of Tennessee, knows something about defense spending, says Alan Ray. "He once had to purchase three linebackers."

*

In other news: Astronauts aboard the Columbia launched a satellite on a 12-mile tether. Says Kenny Noble, "It's a primitive version. All future models will have wireless remotes."

Doctors removed a 91-pound ovarian cyst from a woman in Florida. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "A woman hasn't shed a useless mass this big since Enid Waldholtz dumped her husband."

In Modesto, air quality officials filed suit against the Ku Klux Klan for burning a cross--which violates air-pollution standards. Says Jerry Perisho, "Following their lead, New York officials filed a water-pollution suit against the Mafia for dumping bodies in the Hudson River."

The U.S. government is upset that Ukraine is supplying airplanes to Colombian drug runners. Says Steve Tatham, "If we really want to stop the Colombians dead in their tracks, let's send 'em some of our trains."

In Yuba City, Calif., a court reporter is suing a judge for sexual harassment because he gave her a curved zucchini. Says Hamilton, "Good thing it wasn't celery. He could have been charged with stalking."

After major league baseball enlarged the strike zone to speed up the game, Buddy Baron thought of some other ways to do the same:

* Pitcher throws several balls at once.

* Manager allowed to bazooka fans who run onto the field.

* Anyone in the stands can catch a foul ball for an out.

* Trap door on the pitcher's mound.

A Danish TV reporter was charged with inciting car theft after allegedly urging two crooks to film themselves on the job. Says Cutler, "Of course, what he really wants to do is direct."

*

Readers Linda and Anson Sims of Granada Hills took their children Tracy, then 7, and Jeff, then 4, fishing for their first time. After a while, Tracy caught the first fish with a great deal of excitement shared by all. Several minutes later she caught the second fish, and this time Jeff wasn't quite as generous with his excitement. After about an hour, Tracy caught the third fish of the day and at this point, poor Jeff threw down his fishing pole and screamed:

"It's not fair! Only the girl fish are biting."

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