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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

February 27, 1996

In the news: Steve Forbes got all 12 of Delaware's delegate votes by winning the state's winner-take-all primary. Says Argus Hamilton, "Coincidentally, 'winner-take-all' is also the name of Forbes' economic plan for America."

* Gary Easley adds that if Forbes sang a Sinatra song, it would go something like this:

"If I can't make it there,

at least I won in Delaware

So nuts to you,

New Hampshire, New Hampshire."

Bob Dole has finally come up with a compelling vision of the future that should engage the American people, says Paul Steinberg: "If he doesn't win the nomination, Pat Buchanan might become president."

Former prostitute Jessi Winchester is running for Congress from Nevada. Says Dennis Miller, "Jessi, you realize that if you're elected you'll no longer be a former prostitute?"

In Long Beach this weekend, President Clinton noted that the school district's policy of requiring student uniforms has reduced violence. Says Hamilton, "And that's just among parents at back-to-school sales."

A study shows it costs an average of $334,000 to raise a child from cradle through college. Alan Ray says parents could cut that total in half: "They don't have to take them to Disneyland."

The chairman of Pepsi is resigning. Says Jerry Perisho, "It's the result of an unannounced urine test the company started giving employees. His tested positive for Coke."

New York City is really cleaning up its act this year. "Now they have new rules for cab drivers," says Hamilton. "Every 10,000 miles they have to change their oil, their brake fluid and their T-shirt."

In a new ethics survey, 37% of high school students said they've stolen in the past year and 17% say they've cheated. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Eight percent said they've never stolen or cheated but later admitted they stole the survey, cheated on it and then lied about it."

Astronomers are puzzled by a mysterious object that bursts and sputters in space. Says Joe Kevany, "Whatever it is, they are pretty sure it needs to be recalled by General Motors."

*

Lost in space: Shuttle astronauts lost a half-billion-dollar satellite when its 12-mile-long cable broke:

* "We could make fun of NASA, but let's give them some slack." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Great. Now the astronauts have to hang around the shuttle all day waiting for the cable guy to show up." (Jenny Church)

*

Reader Gladys Sturman of Calabasas says her 4-year-old cousin, Kevin Silver, came to a family dinner dressed in his Superman costume. As he lay sleepily on the sofa at the end of the evening, his mother asked, "Is Superman tired?" Kevin replied:

"I think she put Kryptonite in the chicken soup."

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