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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

February 29, 1996

In the news: Today is Leap Day. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Some folks think Leap Day only occurs when the stock market crashes."

* He adds, "A lot of people compare it to the presidential campaign. It only comes around every four years, but it makes our lives seem so much longer."

Steve Forbes staged a come-from-behind victory in Arizona. Says Argus Hamilton, "It was a new experience for him. When you inherit a $500-million fortune, you spend your whole life coming from ahead."

"Apparently, Pat Buchanan's 'peasants with pitchforks' were overwhelmed by Forbes' 'pampereds with pitching wedges.' " (Pearlstein)

Bob Dole has a new campaign slogan, says Ken Gorman. "It's 'Go, Pat, go--and take Forbes with you.' "

An Indiana woman was hospitalized after she used a shotgun to remove a callus from her foot (and blew off her big toe). Says Joe Vogel, "That little piggy went to the morgue."

* Adds Premiere Morning Sickness, "Paramedics got there just in time. She had the gun in her mouth and was about to floss."

That Italian satellite is still floating around space with 12 miles of tether attached. Says Stan Kaplan, "Nobody's saying what the broken tether was made of, but it's reportedly dripping marinara sauce."

* Adds Brad Halpern, "Looking for a positive angle, NASA officials are calling it the biggest yo-yo ever built."

In a survey, 70% of high school principals think uniforms would help cut down on school violence. Alex Kaseberg isn't so sure. "The New York Yankees wear uniforms and everybody still beats the hell out of them."

The NBA suspended New York Knick J.R. Reid for knocking out two of Phoenix Sun A.C. Green's teeth during a basketball game. Alan Ray says Green won't seek revenge. "In Green's words, he 'woesn't wold a wudge.' "

TV networks are planning to start their own ratings system. Says Paul Ryan, " 'NYPD Blue' would get two buns up."

"Waterworld" received an Oscar nomination for best sound. Says Dave Cameron, "That sound, of course, was 'glug!' "

*

King of the kitchen: Californian Kurt Wait is the first man to win the Pillsbury Bake-Off:

* "That million-dollar prize makes him the real Pillsbury dough boy." (Betty Barnett)

* "His macadamia fudge torte contains so many calories the judges had to measure it in BTUs." (Kenny Noble)

* "Stock tip: Sell Pillsbury, invest in fat farms." (Barnett)

*

Reader Ken Ayeroff of Westwood tells of the time daughter Stephanie, 5, came home from preschool with the exciting news that she had learned a new song celebrating the Chumash warriors. When her parents asked how the song went, Stephanie proudly sang:

"See them there, the Chumash lawyers. . . ."

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