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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 02, 1996

Ask Mr. Wizard: Brad Halpern, on scientists finally finding the gene linked to hyperactivity: "Results would have come sooner, but they had a hard time getting the gene to sit still."

Alex Kaseberg, on the weight-loss drug Redux, which sends messages to the brain to suppress appetite: "Studies show that it is almost 40% as effective as finding a hair in your food."

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: "Some doctors are worried about side effects, including brain damage. Hmmm . . . thin and stupid--just the way Hollywood likes 'em."

Paul Ecker, on scientists discovering that China's "Peking Man" is at least 100,000 years older than previously believed: "In a related item, they also discovered that some Peking Duck in L.A.'s Chinatown is at least three weeks older than advertised."

Halpern, on National Obsession & Disorders Day: "People afflicted with the disease gathered at their world headquarters--the set of 'Friends.' "

*

Also in the news: Jay Leno, on investigators finding Whitewater documents with Hillary Clinton's fingerprints on them: "And today, when they made copies of the documents, they found Bill Clinton's fingerprints all over the woman who made the copies."

Argus Hamilton, on public pressure for the FBI to storm the Freemen ranch in Montana: "You can't shoot somebody for check kiting and bank fraud. What kind of precedent would that set for the first lady?"

Leno, on Madonna saying she will not marry the father of her baby: "But she did say she might start dating his sister."

Jenny Church, on the $10.3 million sale of the Vincent Van Gogh cafe scene: "Some suspect it is a forgery. The scene is a Starbucks."

Alex Pearlstein, on Seagram's putting out feelers to advertise hard liquor on TV again: "It's even sponsoring a brand new holiday-themed special--'Christmas at the Betty Ford.' "

Hamilton, on accusations that Kathie Lee Gifford is selling clothes made by Third World children working 12-hour shifts: "It's not true. The inspectors just happened to drop by the sweat shops on Guatemala's Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

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Among Ford Motor Co.'s Top 10 new slogans, according to David Letterman:

* Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately?

* Forget Chevy--we've got the real Blazer!

* Available in original or extra crispy.

* Quality is job one; putting out the fire is job two.

*

Reader Pat Feiner of Huntington Beach was visiting her three grandchildren when Bryan, 8, came running into the house. "Erin has a new lizard for a pet," he exclaimed. What kind of lizard is it, he was asked. Bryan scratched his head and said:

"I'm not sure, but I think it's a comedian."

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