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Laugh Lines

Punch lines

May 08, 1996

Schott in the dark: More fallout from Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott's remark that Adolf Hitler started out good but then went too far:

* "The interviewer accidentally got her onto that subject. Never ask a Nazi how the race is shaping up this year." (Argus Hamilton)

* "She continues to insist that she goes by the book. Unfortunately, it's 'Mein Kampf.' " (Bob Mills)

* "She denied being a racist, then went on to announce she was firing manager Davey Johnson and replacing him with Mark Fuhrman." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Many want her expelled from baseball. That would mean only one thing: Pat Buchanan's got a running mate." (Larry Swerdlow)


In the news: How expensive is gas? Says Jay Leno, "At this year's Indianapolis 500, they're making the drivers carpool."

* Adds Jenny Church, "Economists believe the U.S. gasoline tax is too low--but think tanks will be outvoted by gas tanks."

* Adds Russ Myers, "Repealing the gas tax should be worth 4.3 votes per gallon."

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Congress promises that savings from repealing that tax will go to consumers. If you believe that, I've got a '69 Caddy that gets 50 miles per gallon I wanna sell you."

Myers says he still can't believe someone would pay $76,000 to play golf with Bill Clinton. "Actually, Hillary plays a much more interesting game. Every time she lands near a Whitewater hazard, she seems to get a tricky lie."

Gov. Pete Wilson is steering state school funds to the teaching of phonics. Says Alex Pearlstein, "With the amount of debt California owes, he thinks it's important for kids to understand their A, E, IOUs."

As California ponders whether to ban spray-paint to fight graffiti, the Olympia Daily World warns, "Just remember: If spray-paint is outlawed, only outlaws will have fresh-looking patio furniture."

The FDA has approved a procedure that uses microwaves to shrink an enlarged prostate:

* "Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'hot cross buns.' " (Steve Tatham)

* "The main obstacle is difficulty closing the oven door." (Gary Easley)

* "The bad news? If you're in a cheap HMO, the procedure has to be performed in a 7-Eleven." (Kaseberg)

Researchers say a new pill may cure impotence. Says Kaseberg, "The only side effect is that you suddenly feel like running for Congress."

New statistics show the number of bomb incidents is up 52% since 1990. Says Jerry Perisho, "No, that's not the report from ATF, it's the data from CBS."

Female entertainment executives say the latest issue of Vanity Fair demeans women in the industry. Says Paul Ryan, "And that's usually the producer's job."


Reader Robert Goodkin of Camarillo says his granddaughter, Carly, 3, was a little upset after being reprimanded by her mother. She said:

"I don't like you. I don't love you. All these years I have just been pretending."

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