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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 15, 1996

In the news: The IRS is threatening to seize O.J. Simpson's Brentwood estate because he owes nearly $700,000 in back taxes. Says Alex Kaseberg, "Kato may have to put him up for a while."

President Clinton plans to support a bill banning same-sex marriages. It defines marriage as "the legal union between one man and one woman." Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, ". . . and her mother, and his drinking buddies, and their work . . . "

Sears has sold off the Prodigy computer network. Says Alan Ray, "The $300-million price isn't all the buyers are considering spending. For another 69 bucks, they can get the extended warranty."

A survey shows that nearly 8 million women now own businesses. Says Cutler, "And soon, women will own Mitsubishi too."

While most federal agencies are cutting back on expenses, the Federal Reserve spent $166 million on a new check-processing center with marble floors. Says Jerry Perisho, "They had to have marble. Otherwise the federal checks bounce funny."

The California Highway Patrol declared a sheik's custom-built 66-foot-long limousine too long to be street legal. Says Jenny Church, "It's so long it got stuck in traffic on the 101 and the 605--at the same time."

According to a new study of famous poets, half of those studied failed to achieve "complete sexual union." Says Paul Steinberg, "Apparently, they were much better at couplets than coupling."

Animal lovers are furious over the Make-a-Wish Foundation's granting a boy's dying wish to shoot a Kodiak bear.

* "What was the bear's dying wish?" (Cutler)

* "They should have let him shoot it with a camera instead--creating a real Kodiak moment." (Church)

A new medical study says men who are too fat or too thin are most likely to die prematurely. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Siskel & Ebert gave the study two thumbs down."

ABC dropped "The Jeff Foxworthy Show" but NBC immediately picked it up. Says Premiere, "To ensure better ratings, NBC will change the name to 'The Jeff Friendsworthy Show.' "

Brooke Shields will star in an NBC sitcom called "Suddenly Susan." Explains Bill Williams, "It's the story of 'What if Pat Boone suddenly had a sex-change operation?' "

In Cannes, Spike Lee shelled out $4,500 so he could see the Knicks play Dennis Rodman and the Bulls on TV. Says Alex Pearlstein, "He was pretty savvy, though. He charged admission and told everybody they were watching 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest II.' "

*

Reader Laura Williams of Rosemead told son Alex, 4, that if he saved his money she would take him to his favorite toy store. The time finally arrived and after making a few selections he was able to purchase something within his budget. As they were leaving the store, Mom noticed that he didn't seem to be as happy as she expected. When she asked what was wrong, he replied:

"But they took all my money!"

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