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Punch Lines

May 16, 1996

One more time: Magic Johnson is leaving the Lakers--again. Dr. Jack Kevorkian was found not guilty--again. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The summer reruns seem to start earlier every year."

* "Actually, Magic didn't quit. He just announced that he was retirement positive." (Bob Mills)

* "It's getting embarrassing. The Lakers have run his jersey up and down the Forum so many times that ships at sea are starting to respond." (Argus Hamilton)


In the news: On Bob Dole resigning from the U.S. Senate to concentrate on his presidential campaign, Russ Myers says: "He seems confused about these new Republican values. You're supposed to re-engineer other people out of their jobs."

Dole's handlers are finally getting him to stop referring to himself as "Bob Dole." Says Cutler, "The real problem is not Bob referring to himself in the third person. It's others referring to him in the past tense."

U.S. Rep. Joe Kennedy introduced a bill to restrict Budweiser's use of cartoon frogs in its ads. It's a family issue, says Hamilton. "The Kennedy family wants the Swedish Bikini Team back, and they want them back now."

The FBI is checking out possible links between the suspected Unabomber and the '60s Zodiac Killer. Says Brad Halpern, "After that, they plan to investigate correlations between the 'freemen' and 'The Waltons.' "

Gas has gotten so costly, say Mike Kagan and Rick Sandack, "At stations in Beverly Hills you now need a reservation--and if you want premium, you have to tip the pump captain."

A Miami Air charter jet made an emergency landing due to loss of cabin pressure. Only four passengers required medical attention, says Hamilton. "The rest of them refused to pay the $4 to rent a stethoscope."

British Airways is now serving ostrich meat. Says Joe Kevany, "Well, at least those big birds finally get to fly."

About that new caffeinated water, Mills says they don't know yet whether it can be used to brew coffee. "The first guy to try it hasn't come down yet."

John Tesh is leaving "Entertainment Tonight" to devote more time to music. Says Alex Pearlstein, "His fans shouldn't worry, though. He'll always be as close as the nearest elevator."

Keiko the Killer Whale has a 32-inch TV to keep him stimulated when visitors aren't around. Says Paul Steinberg, "Actually, Keiko was a blue whale until he started watching all that violence on TV."


Reader Betsy Kineen of Montclair says her daughter, Molly, 3 3/4, is a very picky eater and recently balked at what her grandparents were serving for dinner. As Mom grew increasingly insistent that she eat her chicken, Molly tossed out reason after reason why she wouldn't. Finally, in an exasperated tone, she declared:

"But Mom, it used to be alive, for God's sake!"

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