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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 21, 1996

Geologists in Washington State predict that Mt. Ranier will erupt, causing earthquakes, mudslides and fires. Says Paul Ryan, "That's so all the people who moved there from L.A. will feel at home."

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In the news: The Voice of America will transmit from a 600,000-watt radio station in Kuwait to undermine Iran's government. Says Argus Hamilton, "We should give them five hours of Rush Limbaugh every day. Let them be the hostages for a change."

In leaving the Senate, Bob Dole said he wants to make it easier for average Americans to identify with him. Says Paul Steinberg, "Well, he's on the right track. Now he has no job and his prospects for the future are dim."

Top-Flite introduced a new multilayered golf ball designed to deliver unequaled spin control. Says Jenny Church, "They're calling it the Political Consultant."

Gov. Pete Wilson wants extra money to help kids learn to read. Says Brad Halpern, "The funds will be used to update the phonics program to include frequent repetition of the phrase 'Wilson for President 2024.' "

Those new "Math Made Easy" videos really work, says Ryan. "Put the tape in, turn it on and your screen flashes the words 'Turn off the TV and open your math book!' "

A medical report says cellular telephones can be dangerous for people who wear pacemakers. Says Alan Ray, "One such customer recently suffered a heart attack. He opened his bill."

Cher hit the milestone age of 50 this week. Says the Olympia Daily World, "Actually, she has the mind of a 50-year-old and the body, depending on which part, of a 32-year-old, a 26-year-old, a 19-year-old . . . and she has the receipts to prove it."

PBS' "Barney" is going to be made into a movie. Says Ryan, "It has a tragic ending: He survives."

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What goes up: United Parcel Service plans to start carrying passengers on some flights soon:

* "This is probably a pretty good deal, if you don't mind having your destination tag stuck to your forehead, being forklifted onto the plane and arriving in a plain brown wrapper." (Bill Williams)

* "Each package will be able to bring along one person, as long as he or she fits in the overhead bins." (Steinberg)

* "UPS then plans to start taking people to Europe, but only on package tours." (Tony Peyser)

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Reader Kathleen Geletko of Los Angeles says years ago she and her husband were stuck in a long checkout line at Fedco with their daughter, Janet, 3 1/2. Her dad set her on the counter while he got out his wallet. Janet had been watching the box boys, and suddenly yelled:

"Dad, get me off of here before someone buys me!"

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