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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 27, 1996

Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer. Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The first day you don't mind being seen in your bathing suit is the real start of summer."

Here are some more summertime tips, annotated by the Cutler gang:

* You should wait 15 minutes after eating before you go swimming. (Bill Clinton hasn't gone in the water since 1966.)

* You should not run around your pool. (You might trip over Kato Kaelin.)

* Overexposure to the sun is bad for you. (It's the only place the cast of "Friends" hasn't been overexposed.)

* You can get sunburned even on a cloudy day. (And when it's cold outside, I've got the month of May.)

Says Bob Mills, "This is the day Americans from California to Maine will stand proudly, arm in arm, to watch the fireworks--as Dad lights the barbecue grill that hasn't been cleaned since Labor Day."

*

In the news: President Clinton finally got Congress to raise the minimum wage last week:

* "Being a Democratic president with a Republican Congress is like owning a cemetery. There are a lot of people under you, but nobody's listening." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Now everyone will be able to afford half a tank of gas instead of just a quarter." (Paul Ecker)

* "They all agreed that a college degree ought to be worth more." (Alan Ray)

House Speaker Newt Gingrich wants to gut the Endangered Species Act. Says Ray, "He believes in survival of the fittest. The animals that live will be the ones with the most lobbying money."

In New York, Frank Gifford handed out cash to garment workers who make his wife's commercial clothing line but hadn't been paid in months. Says Tony Peyser, "Kathie Lee couldn't be there because she was finishing up her new book, 'Just Because You're Poor Doesn't Mean You Can't Be Perky.' "

The new exhibition at the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage includes Gen. George Custer's socks. Wonders Jenny Church, "Does it also include his Arrow shirt?"

Walter Cronkite admits he tried marijuana during the '60s. Says Cutler, "That explains the night he ended his newscast, 'And that's where it's at, man.' "

"Murder One" will return next fall, but without its leading actor. Says Peyser, "The second season will focus on who killed Daniel Benzali."

If Kirk Douglas' oft-arrested son, Eric, wants to be ignored by the media, Stan Kaplan says he has three options:

1) Behave

2) Counseling

3) Change name to Pauly Shore.

*

Reader Arthur Riddle of Reseda and his wife were relaxing at home near the end of the school year when the door burst open and in scampered daughter Annie, 6. Thrusting out her report card, she bragged:

"Look! I brung home an A in oral English!"

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