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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 29, 1996

Ooooh, baby: The Clintons would like to have a second child, Hillary said in an interview:

* "As if 535 members of Congress weren't enough." (Steve Tatham)

* "A baby in the White House would raise so many questions: Is it a proper environment for a child? Are the Clintons too old? Is it just an excuse for Bill to order Happy Meals? Did Dan Quayle leave behind any coloring books?" (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "Hillary now throws up every morning even before Al D'Amato's name is mentioned." (Bob Mills)

* "Republicans have already accused her of kowtowing to Big Labor." (Joe Vogel)

* "They're thinking of adopting. They're getting used to it, after adopting so many GOP stands on issues." (Tatham)

* "An admitted drug user and a woman under criminal investigation living in public housing--would they even qualify?" (Cutler)

* "If it's a boy, they'll name him Bob--because that's the only way anyone with that name will get to live in the White House any time soon." (Bill Williams)


In the news: Campaigning at Disney World last weekend, Bob Dole wore a golf shirt and jeans. Says Argus Hamilton, "You just know he can't wait to get home every night, slip into a suit and tie, and just relax."

The House is now debating same-sex marriage, new sentencing laws, welfare reform and anti-tobacco legislation. Says Hamilton, "If everything passes, poor people who smoke in gay wedding chapels will get the death penalty."

New York's state health commissioner has banned herbal stimulants. Says Johnny Robish, "To most Americans, all New Yorkers appear to be on stimulants."

At Coney Island, two people were injured when a roller coaster derailed. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Call me cynical, but what do people expect when they visit an amusement park on Amtrak Day?"

Archeologists digging in Egypt recently found the royal tomb where 400 sons of the Pharaoh Ramses were buried. Wonders Hamilton, "If Ramses had 400 sons, then why did they name a condom after this guy?"

An ultrasound scan shows that Madonna's baby is going to be a girl. Says Cutler, "Mom is very proud. The kid won't even be born for four more months and she's already posing nude for pictures."

Mills says the producers of "Mission: Impossible" have chosen to accept their mission: "Lugging $78 mil to the bank."

R&B/rap trio TLC has filed for bankruptcy despite the huge success of their album "Crazysexycool." Says Alex Kaseberg, "Their next album will be called 'Dupedscrewedbroke.' "


Reader Richard Creighton of La Habra Heights and his son Ricky, 4, were reading a book about castles. "Who is the king in our house?" asked Dad. "You're the king, Daddy," Ricky answered, inspiring a smug grin. Then he added:

"But Mom's the boss."

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