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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

May 31, 1996

Political rapids: President Clinton is updating his Rolodex, says Alan Ray. "A lot of his friends have new numbers: Arkansas Inmate 782437, Arkansas Inmate 782438 and Arkansas Inmate 782439."

* Adds Bill Williams, "Will the Whitewater verdicts damage Clinton's campaign? Bob Dole's not talking about it but he was spotted reading an Oval Furniture catalog."

* Adds Argus Hamilton, "Bill and Hillary should stop worrying about Whitewater. After the sex scandals, crooked land deals and mysterious suicides, if they don't get reelected they can always become a series on Fox TV."

Dole said he may consider someone "from outside of politics" as a running mate. Says Charlie Reinke, "When someone mentioned Ross Perot, Dole snapped 'I said outside of politics, not outside this universe.' "

Dole campaigned in California this week. Says Bob Mills, "Gov. Pete Wilson met him at the airport and Dole's aides were stunned when he asked the candidate for his green card."

*

In the news: Tornadoes roared through Kentucky. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "It's God's way of saying 'Your special effects are good--but mine are better.' "

According to a new report, by the year 2006 half the world's population will live in urban areas. "Even scarier," says Alex Pearlstein, "More than 90% of them are expected to take the 405 freeway to work every day."

Some of the companies that laid off 250,000 employees over the past three years now plan to hire 46,000. Says Johnny Robish, "No wonder there's so much interest in the minimum wage."

In St. Paul, Minn., 37% of eighth-grade students failed a basic reading test. Says Jerry Perisho, "The good news is, 94% of them know how to use a condom."

NBC scheduled the movie "Backdraft" opposite Fox's premiere of "L.A. Firefighters" next Monday. Says Jenny Church, "Maybe the Disney Channel should show '101 Dalmatians.' "

*

Fleiss, twice: An appeals court overturned the pandering conviction of Heidi Fleiss and ordered a new trial:

* "Party at Charlie Sheen's house!" (Cutler)

* "She can afford a great defense. Lawyers never charge her, out of professional courtesy." (Hamilton)

* "She may have to do prison time yet, but I doubt that would be the first time she's found herself in a small room with just a bed and a john." (Gary Moore)

*

Reader T.C. Cirillo of Lakewood says a few years ago his adult son developed a bad cough that wouldn't go away. The neighborhood had recently been sprayed from helicopters with malathion to combat medflies. When his parents suggested that the cough might be related to his heavy smoking, he rejected that theory and pointed to the sky:

"I'm allergic to Monty Python."

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