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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 03, 1996

Whitewater (continued) . . . "This Saturday night, the entire show of 'Cops' is going to feature friends of Bill and Hillary Clinton." (Jay Leno)

* "It's looking good for Clinton. The Whitewater convictions cost him only two points in the polls. At this rate, the special prosecutor would have to win eight more trials by November for Bob Dole to catch up." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Dole has found a cheaper way to campaign. Instead of visiting a city, he now just hires a skywriter to spell out 'Whitewater' over the town square." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "Jim Guy Tucker and Jim and Susan McDougal can be sentenced to 10 years hard labor--making clothes for Kathie Lee Gifford." (Leno)

* "The president sent notes of condolence to his friends facing jail time. It's a form letter by now." (Hamilton)

*

In the news: Bob Mills, on Dole meeting in Chicago with Lech Walesa: "Finally, Dole has found a Pole that supports him."

Paul Steinberg, on Dan Quayle thinking about teaching a graduate-level course in international studies: "This probably will be the first class where the teacher, not the students, relies on Cliff Notes."

Pearlstein, on researchers unearthing evidence of a 19th century brothel next to Union Station: "Archeologists knew it was a cathouse after they discovered perfume flasks and a whip belonging to Jedediah Sheen."

Alex Kaseberg, on the death Friday of drug guru Timothy Leary: "In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Berkeley Center for Bummer Flashbacks."

Cutler Daily Scoop, on reports that swimsuits with bigger bottoms will be hot this summer: "That's because desserts with more calories were hot last winter."

Kaseberg, on John Tesh leaving "Entertainment Tonight" after 10 years: "This is terrible. Now how will we know when it is Suzanne Somers' or Willard Scott's birthday?"

Leno, on advertising tie-ins to "Mission Impossible": "It's not an official tie-in, but Taco Bell has a burrito that self destructs in your colon in about five seconds."

Mills, on the new procedure to freeze sperm indefinitely: "Now men finally have an excuse: Not tonight, dear, I'm still thawing."

Alan Ray, on the San Fernando Valley seceding from Los Angeles: "It would mean massive redistricting. The cities would have to draw up boundaries so that each has an equal number of gangs."

*

Reader Helen Reade of West Hollywood says her friend Willy took his 3-year-old son, Nicholas, to an art museum. When they passed a nude female statue, Nicholas said:

"Daddy, look! She's not wearing a diaper!"

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