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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 05, 1996

Oh Whitewater, keep on rollin': President Clinton will give more testimony, videotaped in his office rather than on the witness stand. "He hates taking any kind of stand," explains Alan Ray.

* Adds Bob Mills, "A Newsweek poll shows that only 23% of Americans consider Whitewater a serious issue. The same poll shows that 68% of animal rights activists favor prosecuting the Republicans for beating a dead horse."

Campaigning in Michigan, Bob Dole accused Clinton of "zigzag leadership." Says Argus Hamilton, "That's ridiculous. The president hasn't rolled his own since college."

*

In the news: Marcus Allen says O.J. asked him to lie in court and say he had an affair with Nicole. Says Hamilton, "Technically, he didn't. In Brentwood, it's not an affair unless it's catered."

Israeli authorities want McDonald's to start serving kosher food. Says Morty Wright, "Locals can look forward to the Big Max."

Toys R Us is really playing hardball in its effort to dominate the business, says Paul Steinberg. "Today the company changed its name to Toys R Else."

In Utah, state officials looking for evidence of salmonella bacteria tested the manure of 10,000 chickens. Says Jerry Perisho, "And you think your job stinks."

Princess Di turned down an $8-million offer to star in Disney World's 25th anniversary celebration. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Apparently, Dumbo's ears brought back too many painful memories."

Alex Pearlstein says he had to be rushed to the hospital this week. "I got too perky and suffered a Mary Hart attack."

Doctors in Los Angeles removed 15% of a man's brain. Says Jay Leno, "Fifteen percent and they were still unable to get that 'Mission: Impossible' theme song out of his head."

Keanu Reeves says he won't star in a sequel to his hit movie "Speed." Says Jenny Church, "He didn't want his insurance premiums to go up. The sequel will be called 'Ticket,' followed by 'Traffic School.' "

Church says in "Snoopy," the new musical based on the Peanuts comic strip, Lucy's nickel-a-visit psychiatric booth is an HMO that dishes out Prozac.

*

Sports report: The Chicago Bulls are a 9-1 favorite to beat the Seattle SuperSonics in the NBA finals. But Seattle isn't scared, says Hamilton. "They know Dennis Rodman puts his pantyhose on one leg at a time just like anybody else."

* Adds Ray, "For the Bulls, it's championship or bust. Michael Jordan will have the championship, Rodman will have the bust."

*

Readers Michael and Jacqueline Zapf of Agoura recently took son Christopher, 4, to a night game at Dodger Stadium. In the car on the way home, Christopher asked to see the stadium parking stub that was resting on the dashboard. It was handed to him and he inspected it carefully. Finally, with much annoyance, he said:

"I can't see, Daddy. The dark is in the way."

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