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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 07, 1996

On a (reduced-fat) roll: Now those spoilsports at the Center for Science in the Public Interest are dissing pastries and cinnamon rolls as fat-filled and unhealthy. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Gil Garcetti should just go ahead and hire these guys. They sure are better at making people feel guilty than he is."

* Adds Argus Hamilton, "Apparently, they're right. Jack Kevorkian was spotted parking cars at the Cheesecake Factory."


In the news: A trustees report predicts Medicare will go broke within five years:

* "In medical terms, Medicare's blood pressure is 00 over 2001." (Bob Mills)

* "The government is urging everyone to stay healthy after that." (Johnny Robish)

* "Patients will be reduced to three green Jell-O squares instead of four." (Leslie Nesbitt)

* "The news has Democrats and Republicans agreeing on one thing: The other party is to blame." (Gary Easley)

* "President Clinton urged seniors, who were raised during the Great Depression, to 'Just look at it as a second childhood.' " (Hamilton)

Reacting to her sympathetic remarks about Adolf Hitler, major league baseball's executive council voted to condemn Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott but not suspend her. Says Hamilton, "Reds fans love her. During seventh-inning stretch, they raise an arm and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ukraine.' "

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Anybody else struck by the irony of baseball owners calling somebody an embarrassment to the game?"

Doctors in L.A. removed 15% of a man's brain. Says Cutler, "The patient was then named head of programming for CBS."

A scientist in Budapest has invented a laxative that glows in the dark. Says Jay Leno, "I don't know why he invented it, but talk about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel."

Today is the beginning of the Oklahoma Mozart Festival. Says Jerry Perisho, "It may be the only time you'll hear 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' played on kazoo, banjo and washboard."


Baby watch: "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson Lee and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee are parents of a newborn boy:

* "So many questions for a first-time mother. Can I handle this? Should I breast-feed? Can I expose my breast without a camera present?" (Cutler)

* "One thing's for sure. That kid's gonna be well fed." (Pearlstein)

* "The baby is doing fine after a rough start. Poor little thing suffered hyperextension of the jaw while nursing." (Alex Kaseberg)


Reader Raquel Goregas of Granada Hills was baby-sitting granddaughter Katie, 18 months, who accidentally broke a dish containing glass marbles. Goregas collected them and put them in another bowl on the kitchen counter. Later, Katie's brother John, 4, came home from preschool. He spied the marbles on the counter and cried:

"I have to take those to school tomorrow. My teacher told us she lost all of hers today."

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