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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 10, 1996

You say "D'Amato" . . . A sweetheart deal with his stock brokerage earned Sen. Alfonse D'Amato a profit of more than $37,000 in a single day:

* "He says he got no special treatment, and that's true. All politicians get this deal." (Argus Hamilton)

* "It involved a 'discretionary account,' where the broker can spend your money without consulting you first. Sounds a lot like Congress." (Jenny Church)

* "With his investment expertise, he ought to run for first lady." (Steve Tatham)

* "Hillary Clinton made $100,000, but it took her 10 months. This proves what the GOP has been saying all along--they're about 112 times more efficient with money than the Democrats." (Russ Myers)

*

In the news: Bob Dole says there are a number of issues on which Republicans of goodwill disagree. Says Paul Ecker, "Republican policies are leaving more and more Americans with clothes of Goodwill."

A survey shows that 46% of San Fernando Valley residents favor secession. Says Larry Swerdlow, "Thirty-nine percent want to rename the Valley 'Quebec.' "

In Tangier, Morocco, a bank was ransacked and set on fire during a riot. Says Jerry Perisho, "That's the last time that teller will go to lunch with 25 people standing in line."

A grizzly bear inflicted minor injuries on a hiker in Glacier National Park. Says Bob Mills, "The bear had written to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, expressing his lifelong dream of mauling a hiker."

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince celebrated his 38th birthday last week. Says Charlie Reinke, "Guess that makes him the Artist Formerly Known as 37."

* Adds Cutler, "We don't want to say his career has slowed down, but Barney wasn't the only purple dinosaur at the birthday party."

Rock singer Meat Loaf is suing his record company over unpaid royalties. Says Stan Kaplan, "He claims they treated him like chopped liver."

Pamela Anderson Lee is enjoying her new baby, says Alan Ray. "Changing dirty diapers doesn't bother her much. She's used to handling 'Baywatch' scripts."

Don't forget--Sunday is Father's Day. Says Ray, "No matter how much trouble you got into with your mom, Dad was always there with those three little words: 'Where's the remote?' "

*

He's outside, looking in: The final words of Timothy Leary, according to Michael Kagan and Rick Sandack: "He looked up from his death futon and said, 'I can see my life flashing before my eyes. Then again, my life has been flashing before my eyes since 1964.' "

* Adds Ray, "His ashes will be rocketed into space. What a change of pace--from LSD to angel dust."

*

Reader Don Mikami of Costa Mesa and son Kevin, 9, were on their way to the mall. Kevin was in the back seat of the minivan, folding paper into origami figures. Dad commented that the paper didn't appear to be the precisely cut squares they had at home for that activity. Kevin said he had carefully torn squares from ordinary note paper. "No way," said Dad. Replied Kevin:

"Way, Dad. I can do it because I'm a tearer-ist."

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