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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 12, 1996

Doled out: They had a big goodbye party Tuesday as Bob Dole left Congress after 35 years.

* "Many people bid him emotional farewells. Most of them were lobbyists." (Gary Easley)

* "He needed three moving trucks to haul everything from his Senate office--one for furniture and files and two for his pension." (Brad Halpern)

* "Among his going-away presents were Jesse Helms' trusty old 'majority whip,' a half-finished bottle of premium Scotch from Ted Kennedy, a 'Feinstein for Governor' button, some stock tips from Al D'Amato and a bottle of Strom Thurmond's 'orangutan orange' hair dye." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "He only hopes November will bring him a welcome-back party just as nice." (Rudolph J. Cecera)


In the news: This week's Time magazine lists the most powerful people in the country.

* "Bill Clinton in No. 1. He was originally No. 12, but that was before he got the FBI files on every Republican in Washington." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Why is Bill Gates on that list? Because God still owes him money." (Jenny Church)

* "Courtney Love was listed as one of the 25 most influential. She's done something very few members of her generation have done: moved out of her parents' house." (Alan Ray)

* "Courtney Love, one of the most influential? Maybe one of the 25 most under-the-influence people. . . ." (Jay Leno)

Russian President Boris Yeltsin danced on stage at a rock concert. Says Paul Ecker, "I'd call it vodka with a twist. Later, he grabbed a microphone and sang 'Back in the USSR.' "

Fires have burned more than 37,000 acres in Alaska. Says Ray, "The tourist board is giving it a positive spin, advertising 'You don't need a coat.' "

Because car air bags can be unsafe for small children, a driver on/off switch is being recommended. Says Easley, "Here's a better safety idea--give the driver an on/off switch for the kids."

Hawaii is celebrating King Kamehameha Day. Says Jerry Perisho, "He was the monarch who 'encouraged all men to join hands in peace.' So, needless to say, it won't be recognized in the other 49 states."

In Huntsville, Ala., a former police chief was jailed for breaking into a house and fixing himself a pasta dinner. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "What kind of pasta? Chef Boy-Ar-U-in-Trouble."

There's a documentary on Marge Schott in the works. Asks Alex Kaseberg, "Haven't we had enough talking-pig movies for a while?"

In California, marine biologists are searching for an 1,800-pound male sea lion that is believed to have harmed 250 female sea lions by crushing them with his inept mating attempts. Says Dennis Miller, "Scientists say all they know about him is that he's a Gemini, wears Aramis cologne and always answers his cell phone by saying 'What can I do ya for?' "


Reader Elenor Smith of Pomona says her granddaughter, Suzy, 4, received a beautiful doll from Spain. They named the doll Carmen. A few days later, when a neighbor asked Suzy her doll's name, she quickly replied:

"Carmen Monoxide."

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