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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 14, 1996

Air Force One hit some bad turbulence over Texas this week, tossing people out of their seats and scattering food everywhere.

* "What a mess--Republican FBI files all over the plane." (Jay Leno)

* "The president is OK, but at one point he was scared so stiff he was mistaken for the vice president." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "Imagine the promises Bill Clinton made to get out of this one. The plane landed safely, and now he has to get a tax cut for God through Congress." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Clinton wasn't bothered by all the rocking and rolling. After all, he's not used to standing firm on anything." (Alan Ray)

*

In the news: It looks like the Unabomber trial will take place in California. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "California: Where insanity is not a defense, it's a way of life."

A study shows that anxious girls are likely to grow up shorter than those who experience less anxiety during childhood, probably attaining an adult height no greater than 5-feet-2. Sings Bill Williams:

"Five-feet-two, eyes of blue,

Take one Prozac . . . no, take two!"

On the second anniversary of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Rudolph J. Cecera says, "Robert Shapiro and Johnnie Cochran held candlelight vigils at their bank vaults."

* Adds Cutler, "A publicist called O.J. the least employable actor in Hollywood. Which means he's still more employable than most of the actresses in Hollywood."

NBC has announced its fall schedule with the promise of fresh, innovative, must-see TV. Say Michael Kagan and Rick Sandack, " 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends' and 'Mad About You' will be joined by 'Seinfeld's Friends,' 'Mad About Seinfeld' and 'Mad About Seinfeld's Friends.' "

*

And it's one, two, three strikes, she's out: Her mouth has gotten Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott benched through the 1998 season.

* "Now she's left without a dugout to spit in." (Jenny Church)

* "It'll give her more time to work with Mother Teresa." (Larry Swerdlow)

* "She'll spend her hiatus as color commentator for the Revisionist History Channel." (Cutler)

* "She plans to do a movie with Mel Brooks, called 'Springtime for Marge.' " (Williams)

* "Chalk one up for the acting baseball commissioner, Brewers owner Bud Selig. His team stinks but at least he proved he can pitch a Schott out." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "Apparently, baseball officials feel she was OK when she started out, but went too far." (Johnny Robish)

*

Reader Melvin Lennard of Pacific Palisades says his 4-year-old granddaughter left this message on her father's office phone machine while he was away:

"Daddy, I miss you. Mommy misses you. I love you. Press 2 for other options."

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