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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 17, 1996

Lookin' baaaad, Dad: Sunday was Father's Day--and you know what that means. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Tradition continues today in offices everywhere as fathers celebrate Ugly Tie Monday."

*

In the news: The University of Toledo invited Hillary Rodham Clinton and Elizabeth Dole to debate the role of first lady. Says Pat McGreal, "Watch for Dole to tell Clinton, 'My husband knew Eleanor Roosevelt, my husband worked with Eleanor Roosevelt, and you are no Eleanor Roosevelt.' "

The Senate Whitewater Committee asked Hillary for written answers about her law practice and billing records. Says Argus Hamilton, "They won't stop hounding her. This never happened when Nancy Reagan was president."

Bob Dole suggested that tobacco smoking isn't necessarily addictive. Says Pearlstein, "Unfortunately, tobacco money is."

Southern Baptists are threatening to boycott Disney's movies and amusement parks because of the company's efforts to accommodate gay employees and customers. Says Jerry Perisho, "As a conciliatory gesture, Disney will convert 'It's a Small World' into a fire-and-brimstone ride to be called 'It's a Small Mind.' "

Levi Strauss startled the corporate world by promising its employees a bonus equal to a year's pay if the company meets its goals for the next six years.

* "Workers have dubbed the incentive the 501(k) plan." (Joshua Sostrin)

* "Unfortunately, one of the company's goals is to lay everybody off within the next five years." (Johnny Robish)

A federal judge ruled that states cannot bar the Ku Klux Klan from participating in Adopt-a-Highway anti-litter campaigns. Great, says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "Who's better experienced at picking up white trash?"

Researchers from the University of Bologna report that a birth-control pill for men is feasible.

* "They've devised a sure-fire method of getting men to take it--a machine that dispenses one pill and activates the TV remote for 24 hours." (Perisho)

* "It figures that male birth control would be studied at a university that's named for a little floppy piece of meat." (Perisho)

Top NFL pick Lawrence Phillips, already a convicted woman-beater, was arrested last week for drunk driving. Says Hamilton, "He's already been named Rookie of the Year by the American Trial Lawyers Assn."

Federal agents last week announced the arrest of three reputed leaders and 15 members of the Genovese organized crime family. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "According to the experts, this was the worst day for the Mafia since Sofia Coppola replaced Winona Ryder in 'The Godfather III.' "

*

Reader Lolly Kidd of La Crescenta says her daughter Candi has decided her 4-year-old son had been watching too much TV. Recently, Candi was explaining to her son that they were going to a man's funeral. The boy looked at her and asked:

"Who shot him?"

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