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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 20, 1996

It just keeps rollin' along: Whitewater now boils down to one question, says Argus Hamilton: "What did the president know--and when did Hillary tell him?"

* Adds Stan Kaplan, "A year's investigation by Al D'Amato and the bottom line is: A waste of d'money."

*

In the news: The FAA found serious maintenance problems with ValuJet. Trading in ValuJet stock was halted as soon as the announcement was made. Says Hamilton, "Wall Street takes the threat of a crash rather personally."

After so many reports that take the fun out of indulging in rich food, one critic faulted the media for "nutritional terrorism." Says Jenny Church, "Will ornery dieters in Montana call themselves the 'fat-freemen'? "

The University of Arizona plans to build a giant telescope in the habitat of some endangered squirrels. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "A dozen squirrels were seen devouring a scientist, singing 'Sometimes you feel like an astronomer, sometimes you don't.' "

New stories keep coming out about the love affairs of John and Jackie Kennedy. Says Kaplan, "All these 'inside stories'--there must have been more people under the beds than in 'em."

China shut down 15 factories making illegal copies of Hollywood movies. Filmmakers claim they can't survive without foreign royalties. Says Hamilton, "Without Charles and Di, comedians couldn't survive either."

In an international study of reading ability, U.S. students ranked second, behind Finland. Says Kaplan, "When tested reading something other than TV Guide, they ranked last."

Did you see Jack Kevorkian at the U.S. Open? Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "How about that? You can find real killers on a golf course."

The estimated grosses for Jim Carrey's new movie have slid gradually each of the past several days. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "This is the first time in history that 'Cable' rates have actually gone down."

*

A little night music: More thoughts inspired by news that a guy in Hungary has invented a musical condom:

* "The perfect gift for your Big Bopper--or Little Richard." (Cutler)

* "What does Charlie Sheen's play, 'We're in the Money'? " (Cutler)

* "There's even one that features a Milli Vanilli tune, for women who have to fake it." (Alex Kaseberg)

* "And I thought it was enough to have a song in your heart." (Cutler)

*

Reader Nanette True of Hemet says her daughter, Shaunti, 11, was doing her homework. In one of the assignments she was asked to draw a conclusion. Perplexed, she called her mother at work and asked:

"Mom, what does a conclusion look like?"

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