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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 26, 1996

Who would make a better first lady, asks Time magazine: Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Dole. As the Cutler Daily Scoop sees it . . .

Pluses for Clinton

* Having a first lady who's tight with Eleanor Roosevelt could come in handy.

* Gives Al D'Amato a reason for living.

Pluses for Dole

* No more Web sites devoted to Hillary's hair.

* Diminished likelihood of First Lady Tipper Gore.

* She won't talk to the dead--unless they cough up a $15,000 speaker's fee.

Adds Johnny Robish, "If Hillary can really contact the dead, maybe she can get in touch with her National Health Plan."

Adds Cutler, "The Republicans are calling this latest flap Pearly-Gate."


In the news: The Clinton administration has proposed amending the Fair Labor Standards Act to allow workers more time with their families. Says Bob Mills, "In response, the Dole camp has unveiled a plan to allow corporate CEOs an extra week's paid vacation for every stroke their golf handicap falls below 15."

Los Angeles has the worst smog in the nation, a study says, but the air is a lot cleaner than it used to be. Says Argus Hamilton, "During the '84 Olympics, they had to call off the javelin throw because it kept getting stuck in the sky."

The California Supreme Court has outlawed the state lottery's keno game:

* "But there'll be a new vote every five minutes." (Jenny Church)

* "What a tragedy. Now people in bars will be forced to make conversation." (Russ Myers)

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that seizing suspected criminals' property does not amount to double jeopardy. Says Steve Tatham, "It does, however, contribute to their wheel of misfortune."

According to a national survey, teenagers want more information about sex. Says R. Alex Kaseberg, "When I was a teenager, information about sex was exactly what I wanted. Specifically, where to get it."

The NBA draft is today. Says Alan Ray, "The younger players are hoping to go in the early rounds. Their moms won't let them stay up past 10 o'clock."

At Wimbledon, the mighty Andre Agassi was knocked out in the first round. Says Alex Pearlstein, "On the plus side, he's now first in line to fight Mike Tyson."

They've come out with "Melrose Place" trading cards. Says Cutler, "Oh, look. All the male cards are on top of the Amanda card."

Cutler says "The Cable Guy" is about to be renamed "The Heading-to-Video Guy."


Reader Armand Carbonara of Irvine says that after his family had lived in their new house for about eight months, he was bemoaning the fact that his best efforts to lighten the heavy clay soil in the garden had failed. Daughter Sonsie, 7, consoled him:

"Don't worry, Daddy, it'll be OK. After all, loam wasn't built in a day."

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