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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

June 28, 1996

In the news: Hy Faber says that Hillary Clinton's becoming such a political liability that even Eleanor Roosevelt isn't returning her calls.

But Jay Leno reminds us that the first lady found some comfort earlier this week in Nashville, Tenn., country music capital of the world.

"Those folks in Nashville, they love Hillary. They're crazy about her. And you can understand why. She could be out of a job soon, the law's after her and her man's been cheatin'."

As for the president, he may be facing a new round of problems.

"He had his own imaginary conversation with Roosevelt," says Leno, "and now she's suing him for sexual harassment."

Nice to know Bob Dole can contact the dead, too. Today, says Faber, Dole called his campaign headquarters.

Elsewhere in Washington: House Republicans cut the $367 million for Clinton's AmeriCorp with the same bill that allotted $1.68 billion to fund Congress' activities.

Republicans said that paying students to do volunteer work is silly. But Steve Tatham says paying Congress to do silly work should be voluntary.

Back in Brentwood: Did you see O.J. on the news the other day? Leno asks.

"He's upset that the prosecuting attorneys are making money on this case. He's upset that the witnesses are making money on this case. He's upset that the photographers are making money. He's upset that the reporters are making money. Well, you can understand how he feels. Come on. He did all the killing. They're making all the dough."

Men and women: The U.S. Supreme Court said that Virginia Military Institute must admit women. Justice Clarence Thomas didn't vote for two reasons, says Argus Hamilton. First of all, his son attends VMI and, second, he's rented "Debbie Does West Point."

Says Cutler Daily Scoop: "Yes, Virginia, there is an equal protection clause."

Gun Play: More than 400 entries were received in the recent "Design the Perfect Chair for Barbie Competition." That's nothing, says Paul Steinberg.

"Wait until they have the 'Design the Perfect Automatic Weapon for G.I. Joe Competition.' "

The new "Hunchback of Notre Dame" has a unique Disney twist, says Alan Ray. "Every hour, the Hunchback rings a cash register." And, he adds, they've given it a typically Disney happy ending. "By the final scene, the producers have all of the audience's money."


Readers Mike and Tammy Ditmore of Thousand Oaks took son Tyler, 4, to a Dodgers game. For several days they had been telling Tyler, a notoriously picky eater, that they would get yummy Dodger Dogs at the stadium. When the big moment came, he excitedly unwrapped his hot dog, but his enthusiasm soon waned and it became apparent he was only eating the bun. "Aren't you going to eat your Dodger Dog?" asked Mom. He replied:

"I don't like the dog. I just want to eat the Dodger part."

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