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Laugh Lines

Punch lines

July 01, 1996

In the news: A project is beginning in San Diego to test a "driverless" freeway system.

But, Alex Pearlstein asks: "Is this really such a good idea? With both hands free from the steering wheel, it will be so much easier for drivers to reload."

Rep. Tom Lantos, with his Eastern European accent, made for great TV last week when he suggested that then-White House aide Craig Livingstone commit suicide. Everyone who watched was horrified, says Argus Hamilton. But Marge Schott is in love.

The space shuttle Columbia will stay in orbit 17 days. Alan Ray says the crew just learned something about weightlessness: In space, a bowling ball is just as light as a "Baywatch" script.

Let your imagination run wild: By now, almost everyone knows that Bob Woodward's new book claims that Hillary Clinton has had imaginary conversations with deceased leaders.

In fact, says Jay Leno, she admitted she once had an imaginary conversation with Bill Clinton: "I guess it was during their wedding vows. You know, that part about being faithful."

Last week, while the president held talks with other G-7 leaders in France, the first lady met with wives of European leaders.

Says the Cutler Daily Scoop: "She got a great cake recipe from Marie Antoinette."

Meanwhile, our obsession with Bob Dole's age continues unabated.

"I don't want to say Bob Dole is old," says Leno. "It wouldn't be fair. But the other day when he was in Cleveland and he visited the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, they thought he was Keith Richards."

About that Brentwood fund-raiser: Leno points out that "O.J. is taking a lot of heat for holding this domestic abuse thing at his house. But you know a lot of people just talk about domestic violence. O.J. actually did something about it. He's not a talker; he's a doer."

More in the news: Recently Schott was banned, Kathie Lee was humiliated and Hillary was nearly indicted. Then black churches were set on fire. "Is it me," asks Hamilton, "or do white males not react well to the end of hockey season?"

Fabio has published his sixth book. Says Ray, "He writes whatever is on his mind: Type, space, space. Type, space, space. . . ."

Five ways to tell you're not getting along with your computer, courtesy of Buddy Baron:

5) There are keyboard markings embedded in your forehead.

4) The store where you bought your computer has a restraining order against you.

3) A cat in heat outside your window was crushed by a flying bubble-jet printer.

2) The book "Windows 95 for Dummies" was dedicated to you.

1) Your favorite pastime is using America Online floppy disks for skeet shooting.

*

Reader Ed Dahms says nephew Sean, 5, was visiting his Uncle Dave with his mother. While they were there, Dave was watching a football game. It was a close game, and in the final seconds Dave began screaming at the coach, "Call time out! Call time out!" In tears, Sean ran to his mother asking:

"What'd I do? What'd I do?"

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