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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 02, 1996

In the news: Space shuttle astronauts were doing experiments to induce nausea and stomach cramps. Says Paul Ryan, "But now they've stopped running the campaign commercials and are back to work."

Says Dean Wright, "The president and Bill have decided to hold off a few months on that adoption they were talking about. Cynics say it was just an election ploy, but insiders say it will take that long to get a nanny across the border."

Hillary Clinton's press secretary resigned last week amid a storm of controversy. Says Argus Hamilton, "She's tired of lying about the past. She has decided to become a tour guide at the Nixon library."

The Prudential Insurance Co. reportedly ordered managers to destroy documents that might incriminate the company of insurance fraud. Says Paul Steinberg, "Looks like that children's game is true: The paper does beat the Rock."

The Citadel says it will "enthusiastically" admit women. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "This is what's known as a tactical retreat. Either that, or the cootie-shot program has been completed."

* Adds Alan Ray, "There will be some modifications of the rules. Male cadets don't have to give up their seat to a female. But they must make sure it's lowered when they leave the stall."

Forbes magazine says Bill Gates is still the world's richest man, worth $18 billion. Says Cutler, "That's good. We were worried that we'd find him standing at the onramp to the information superhighway with a sign reading 'Will Monopolize Software Market for Food.' "

Universal Studios is trying to pay back riders who got doused with hydraulic fluid aboard the Jurassic Park ride. Says Brad Halpern, "A spokesman said each will get a free ticket to the earthquake ride and an application for a FEMA loan."

Eddie Murphy goes tubby in "The Nutty Professor." Says Bill Williams, "Finally, a body to match his ego."

*

Cirque du O.J.: O.J. Simpson hosted an anti-violence benefit last week in an attempt to rehabilitate his public image. Says Hy Faber, "And you thought Tom Cruise had an impossible mission."

* He adds, "I hear the party got pretty wild. F. Lee Bailey was seen drinking champagne out of a size 12 Bruno Magli shoe."

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, "Court TV celebrated its fifth birthday Monday. After founder Steve Brill blew out the candles, he admitted that he had wished for O.J. to get married again."

*

Preschool teacher Barbara Winthrop received a memo from her principal instructing her to discuss safety procedures with her classes, emphasizing what to do if a stranger in a vehicle approaches. Winthrop asked her students, "What should you do if a stranger wants you to get into his or her car?" Instantly, one of the kids blurted out:

"Put on my seat belt!"

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