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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 08, 1996

Take us to your leader: "Independence Day" is beaming up record grosses. What's more, says Bob Mills, "Returns from Mars, Pluto and Venus haven't even been counted yet."

* Adds Argus Hamilton, "President Clinton told a crowd in Ohio that he saw 'Independence Day' and recommends it. That'll teach Arnold Schwarzenegger to campaign for George Bush."

* "During the scene where the White House is blown up, one man in the audience applauded and cheered so loudly that ushers finally had to ask Sen. Al D'Amato to leave." (Mills)

* "Studio executives are already planning a film about an even more terrifying group of invaders. It will be called 'Take Our Daughters to Work Day.' " (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Also in theaters is "Phenomenon." Says Alan Ray, "It's the story of a simple man who suddenly gains massive intelligence. He cancels his cable TV."

In the upcoming movie "Kazaam," basketball star Shaquille O'Neal plays a different kind of genie, says Ray. "To get him to appear, you don't rub a lamp. You contact his agent."

Disney perked up the depressing "Hunchback of Notre Dame" so much that, Vern Fagin says, "In a remake today, Old Yeller would live."

*

In the news: Russian President Boris Yeltsin has been reelected. Says Ray, "His Cabinet will feature all the familiar names: Stolichnaya, Smirnoff, Absolut. . . ."

An Indiana University professor says sex in space was harmful to lab rats sent up on recent shuttle flights. Says Ray, "Females suffered the worst effects. Once they returned to Earth, the males didn't call."

Wells Fargo plans to share space with Thrifty PayLess drugstores at some locations:

* "They'll call them 'Wellsville Fargo.' " (Bill Williams)

* "Now you can get high blood pressure and the medication for it at the same place." (Darrell Kitchell)

* "If they're robbed, they can get one-hour developing of their security camera film." (Dick Tyler)

* "Their condoms are guaranteed by the FDIC." (Williams)

Hillary Rodham Clinton and Dennis Rodman both have best-selling books but their publishers aren't satisfied, says the Olympia Daily World. "They're going to team them up as Hillary Rodman Clinton on a book called 'It Takes Some Village People.' "

Erotic dancers are now offering their services over the Internet. Says Joe Vogel, "It costs $5.99 a minute--a little more if you request a laptop dance."

Baseball's all-star game will be played Tuesday. Says Ray, "All around the stadium will be tributes to the players on the field: Overpriced hot dogs."

*

Reader Joan Wagner of Lakewood says one day she had just finished mopping her kitchen floor when her kids managed to spill an entire container of apple juice on it. After she vented her exasperation, 6-year-old son Joel looked at her calmly and declared:

"Mom, you should be used to us by now."

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