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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 09, 1996

As the multiplex turns: Too many hot movies out this week. Brian Matthews says he's seen so many they've started to run together:

"I saw a movie about alien strippers who tried to take over our country but stopped when they fell in love with a hunchback who was really smart. They tried to elope and disappear with the help of a really fat professor. Then their cable was knocked out by a tornado."

By today "Independence Day" will have grossed $100 million, the fastest in history. Says Argus Hamilton, "They say it's because the movie shows whites, blacks, Jews, even Iraqis all working for the same thing: union scale."

Where there's a hit, there's a sequel. The Cutler Daily Scoop says watch for these . . . coming soon to a theater near you:

* "Columbus Day"--Washington is invaded by creatures who claim the holiday is politically incorrect.

* "Memorial Day"--Cities are threatened by giant bowls of potato salad.

* "Morris Day"--Earth is invaded by sharp-dressing Prince clones.

* "Doris Day"--Blond aliens use perkiness to disarm America during a more innocent age.

Not-so-good news for the makers of "Striptease." Says Cutler, "It's a bad sign when guys in the theater are yelling 'Take it off! Take it off!' and they're yelling at the projectionist, not Demi Moore."

*

In the news: Under President Clinton's new, stricter meat safety standards, says Bob Mills, "Inspectors will be required to distinguish between a Big Mac, a Quarter Pounder and an Arch Deluxe entirely by smell."

New statistics showing the economy is doing better than expected have Wall Street investors worried. Says Mike Reeder, "I guess I have some sympathy for them. After all, they were concerned about my recent layoff, right?"

At the San Diego Zoo, a guy jumped into a bears' den. Says Hamilton, "He almost got away. The papa bear thought he was too cold, the mama bear thought he was too hot, but the baby bear thought he was juuuuust right."

A media uproar ensued when someone noticed that Microsoft's Spanish-language thesaurus included the words "savage" and "man-eater" as synonyms for "Indian." Says Bill Williams, "Just for fun, I looked up the word 'geek.' Microsoft's synonyms include 'suave,' 'self-assured' and 'a winner.' "

The CEO of America Online resigned after just four months with the company, and Gene Silver thinks he knows why: "He used up his 10 free hours."

*

Reader Toni Jacobson of Monterey Park says her daughter and family recently visited from Washington state, and they all went to Disneyland. The first ride they went on was the Matterhorn. Afterward, granddaughter Megan, 5 1/2, came running over and declared:

"Grandma, I'm never going on that Mad Unicorn again!"

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