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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 11, 1996

In the news: Tom Hanks will play the president of the United States in "Primary Colors." How does an actor prepare for such a role? Says the Olympia Daily World, "Playing Forrest Gump is a good warmup."

Former Colorado Gov. Dick Lamm will run for the Reform Party nomination:

* "Imagine Ross Perot's surprise. None of his lambs has challenged him before." (Steve Tatham)

* "He's expected to raise three items on the party's platform: Welfare, health care and the mike stand." (Alan Ray)

The acting surgeon general is pushing Americans to get into better shape. Says Alex Pearlstein, "Good luck. Judging by the number of incumbents we reelect, most Americans can't even jog their memories."

* Adds Jay Leno, "Remember that woman who streaked at Wimbledon last week? Clinton appointed her to the President's Council on Physical Fitness."

It turns out the "smart bombs" used in the Gulf War weren't so smart after all. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "Their parents just had connections with the Pentagon's board of regents."

General Motors is recalling '96 and '97 luxury cars because of back firing. Says Ray, "New car buyers may experience frequent stalling. And that's just in the sales manager's office."

A father and son placed first and second in the International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest in Wisconsin. Says Gary Easley, "People always said they were the spittin' image of each other."

A guy in Arizona left notes for a dozen female co-workers, offering $300 if he could suck their toes. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "This little piggy goes to therapy."

O.J. Simpson's red Ferrari was auctioned off for $127,000:

* "The new owner had to evict Kato Kaelin from the trunk." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* "One problem: Nothing will fit in the glove compartment." (Bob Mills)

* "O.J. is a guy who always liked to go fast. He went from 10 million to zero in 7.2 lawyers." (Argus Hamilton)

Hollywood insiders who have previewed "Evita" say it's going to be a blockbuster. Says Leno, "As opposed to Madonna's previous films, which went straight to Blockbuster."


ID4: The producers of "Independence Day" are worried about the cost of doing a sequel, says Cutler. "They're scared the aliens will demand the moon and the stars."

* "In the movie, aliens destroy New York, Washington and L.A. But at the end, the Earthlings win. Without New York, Washington and L.A., the aliens die of boredom." (Hamilton)


Reader Michael Carr of Pasadena says his daughter, Katie, 3, loves for him to tell her bedtime stories about his childhood. They usually begin, "When I was a boy . . . " One night Katie decided to contribute to the storytelling, starting with:

"When I was a boy . . . I was a girl."

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