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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

July 16, 1996

A deal to Di for: The royal divorce decree gives Princess Diana $26 million but takes away her Royal Highness title.

* "It's sad. They won't even let her do those Princess Cruise commercials anymore." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "She can't even talk to Larry King." (Bob Mills)

* "From now on she'll have to curtsy to her own children--just like most normal parents." (Gary Easley)

* "But she's getting enough money that bankers will still have to bow down behind her." (Steve Tatham)

* "In the settlement, she gets the Wedgewood cups and saucers and he gets the Camilla Parker Bowles." (Mills)

* "Maybe Di should have used Michael Jordan's agent. He got $25 million and gets to keep his title." (Kim Wilczynski)

*

In the news: When violence broke out in Northern Ireland, President Clinton said it's time Protestants and Catholics learned to get along. Says Argus Hamilton, "What a peacemaker. Next he's going to settle that Roadrunner-Coyote thing."

Bob Dole OKd a compromise on the abortion wording in the GOP platform. Says Hamilton, "It won't help. What they need is a plank that allows the party to choose another candidate during the third trimester."

The U.S. House approved a study of repetitive-stress injuries. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "You know, like you get from typing, or working on an assembly line . . . or, in the case of Congress, from constantly pocketing money from lobbyists."

The search for the carrier of the cyclospora germ has shifted from strawberries to raspberries. Says Johnny Robish, "Add some bananas, oranges, yogurt and top with granola, and you've got a pretty healthy way to get sick."

The American Library Assn. met in Los Angeles last week but not much was accomplished, says Jenny Church. "Every time someone tried to make a speech, everybody else told them to shush."

Ford has bought Budget Rent-a-Car. Says Alan Ray, "The deal was months in the making. The buyers had to wait in line for the next available agent."

Airlines have launched a summer fare war, with some tickets as low as $25.

* "However, it'll cost you an extra $200 to land." (Easley)

* "At these prices, airlines will be swamped. So be prepared to bring your own peanuts, lose your own luggage and act rude to a fellow passenger." (Bill Williams)

*

Reader Anita Mittelman of Upland says her daughter Ann, then 2, used to hate taking time to use the bathroom. One evening while her parents were watching television, Ann was busy doing crafts and wiggling continuously in her chair. After several suggestions from her father that she "go potty," Ann reluctantly stood up, faced him and said:

"OK, Dad, but this is the last time."

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