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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

July 25, 1996

Gold rush '96: "It must be awful to vault through the air and land painfully without any support," says Alex Kaseberg. "But enough about Bob Dole's upcoming arrival at the GOP convention. How about that gymnast Kerri Strug?"

* "I haven't seen that many young girls jumping around since the New Kids on the Block called it quits." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "What do you call it when a gymnast completely reverses himself and lands on his feet? That is called a Bill Clinton." (Jay Leno)

* "It was so hot in Atlanta, the air going into John Tesh was actually hotter than the air coming out of John Tesh." (Steve Voldseth)

* "ABC had 'Up Close and Personal.' NBC has 'In Your Face Until You Could Scream.' " (Bob Mills)

* "Turkey's tiny Naim Suleymanoglu, the man they call the 'Pocket Hercules,' won his third gold in weightlifting. He has a brother who's an accountant, called the 'Pocket Calculator.' " (Paul Ecker)

Congratulations to 17-year-old Kim Rhode of El Monte for winning the gold in trap shooting. Says Leno, "You don't go to school in the L.A. area without learning to be a good shot."

The basketball Dream Team is putting everyone to sleep, says Argus Hamilton. "It looks like the Lakers just paid $120 million for Nyquil O'Neal."

* Adds Mills, "Insiders say the Dream Team is afraid that if they beat up the foreign teams too badly, the refs will start applying the rules of the Geneva Convention."

* Adds Cutler, "If I want to watch millionaires beat up on foreigners, I'll go to the GOP convention."


In the news: An upcoming movie about the life of P.T. Barnum will be called "There's a Sucker Born Every Minute." Says the Funny Scheet: "Theater owners are planning a special promotion: a small soda and a box of popcorn for $10.99."

Days after he admitted he wrote "Primary Colors," journalist Joe Klein got carried away, says Kaseberg. "He also claims he is Deep Throat, he killed Jimmy Hoffa and he sang lead on those Milli Vanilli albums."

This month is the 50th anniversary of atomic bomb tests on Bikini Atoll. Says Jenny Church, "The island's flag is a field of blue with 50 itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dots."

Production has begun on "Free Willy 3." Says Alan Ray, "Producers weren't able to get the original whale. He's afraid of being typecast."


Reader Janet Hare Molinaro of Downey was watching the Olympics opening ceremonies on TV with her family when swimmer Janet Evans appeared on screen with the torch. "Do you see her?" Molinaro asked daughter Melanie, 3 1/2. "I met her at an awards dinner. Mommy sat at the table next to Janet Evans!" To which Melanie replied:

"Did she have that torch with her at the table?"

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