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Laugh Lines

Punch lines

July 26, 1996

Olympic achievements: "Kerri Strug's is the most talked-about vault since Al Capone's," says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* "Everyone was so touched when coach Bela Karolyi carried her to the medal platform, now Susan Lucci wants him to carry her to the Daytime Emmys, the Detroit Tigers want him to carry them onto the field and Bob Dole wants him to carry him to San Diego." (Jerry Perisho)

* "The public's emotional response to her bandaged leg sends a vivid message to NBC: a single cast beats a Triplecast every time." (Michael X. Ferraro)

The Princess of Malaysia reportedly spent $100,000 on Olympic souvenirs. "And she's going to cherish those two T-shirts and Izzy pin forever." (Cutler)

With all the traffic and transportation problems, says Paul Ecker, "The Olympic Committee has declared Atlanta a SigAlert."

* "The guy in charge apologized for the terrible new transit system and promises that it will soon get better. Hey! That sounds like an MTA bumper sticker." (Brad Halpern)

* "Too bad the Atlanta Olympic Committee didn't meet Gen. Sherman at the city limits in 1864. The IBM computer would tell us the South won and Sherman would still be waiting for a bus back to Washington." (Argus Hamilton)

A study in Redbook says that on average it takes a woman 13 minutes to have sex and it takes a man only 2 1/2 minutes. Says Jay Leno, "You know what that means? We men win the gold! Women get the silver! We're No. 1!"

*

In the news: Children's TV producers have a meeting at the White House on Monday. It's only right, says Hamilton. "The 1996 presidential election feels like 'Sesame Street' and we have to choose between Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch."

The GOP is buying time on the Family Channel and USA Network to broadcast an "unfiltered" version of its convention "straight from the horse's mouth." Says Alex Pearlstein, "Frankly, that will surprise those of us who expected the action to be at the other end of the horse."

The Chinese Communist Party decided government bureaucrats should change jobs every five years to help stop corruption. Says Perisho, "So, the Minister of Graft will take over as Minister of Fraud, who will become Minister of Nepotism. . . ."

Mobil Corp. will stop calling its Hefty trash bags "biodegradable" because they don't break down fast enough. Says Paul Ryan, "In order to do that, they would need to be made out of the same material as a Yugo."

In Las Vegas, Chevy Chase petted a Bengal tiger, which didn't bite. Says Stan Kaplan, "Come to think of it, neither did Fox."

*

Reader Bert Newman of Laguna Hills says Jacqueline, 8, recently went out for dinner with her grandparents. During the meal Grandpop managed to tip over a tall glass of iced tea, spilling it all over the table. Startled, Jackie leaned toward her grandmother and said:

"I never knew that a grown-up could spill their drink."

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