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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

August 01, 1996

Olympic gamesmanship: Atlanta police reportedly waited 10 minutes before checking out that 911 call about a bomb in Centennial Park. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "They didn't 'delay.' They merely handled it 'plausibly live.' "

The Olympics have sent NBC's ratings soaring. Says Paul Ecker, "Radar spotted the peacock at 30,000 feet."

Canadian sprinter Donovan Bailey set the world record in the 100-meter dash, earning the title "the World's Fastest Man." Says Steve Voldseth, "Big deal! What man hasn't held that title at one time or another?"

The Olympic Village actually has a gender-testing center, where they make sure athletes are the gender they claim to be. Says Jay Leno, "Why can't we get one of these on Hollywood Boulevard?"

* Adds Alan Ray, "What's the best way to check if female athletes are really males? Toss a TV remote into the locker room and see who scrambles for it."

*

In the news: How hot is it? Says Leno, "The cast of 'Friends' came to work just for the air conditioning."

President Clinton says he'll sign the welfare reform bill. Says Russ Myers, "The only question left is, will elected officials now have to perform work in order to receive benefits?"

Congress allocated money for film preservation. Says Steve Tatham, "Generally, this close to an election their thoughts turn to self-preservation."

Bill Maher notes that Congress seems to be rushing to pass lots of legislation. "Even though they're in a hurry, the Republicans have not forgotten their manners. When it comes to cutting benefits, it's still 'women and children first.' "

The Federal Elections Commission is suing Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition for making illegal campaign contributions. Says Michael X. Ferraro, "Robertson explained that they were simply turning the other check."

The World Footbag Championships are being held in Golden, Colo. Says Jerry Perisho, "Later this year, the World Handbag Championships will be held in Beverly Hills."

A BMW once owned by Elvis Presley will be auctioned off. Says Jenny Church, "They can't get it started . . . but obsessed Elvis fans just can't accept the fact that the car's dead."

Jim Carrey's next movie, "Liar, Liar," is about a lawyer who must tell the truth for 24 hours. Says Voldseth, "And you thought the special effects in 'Independence Day' were amazing!"

*

Reader Pat Fleming of Marina del Rey was having a private talk in the car with granddaughter Samantha, 7, when Samantha declared, "Grandma, I can hardly wait until I have breasts." After almost running off the road, Grandma composed herself and said, "Well, Honey, in four or five years you will." Replied Samantha:

"Yes, I know. I'll probably start out with little ones like yours--but then they'll get bigger."

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