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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

August 08, 1996

Fourth rock from the sun: Scientists say a Martian meteorite proves that life may once have existed on Mars:

* "The rock's fossils of single-cell organisms can be seen in amazing detail, right down to their tiny 'Vote for Buchanan' buttons." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "The newly discovered Martian life is not the 'ID4' kind. In the movie, we kicked their butts. With these single-cell guys, we can't find their butts." (Gary Easley)

* "A primitive, single-cell life form? Fox is already developing a sitcom to appeal to it." (Hy Faber)

* "One thing has researchers baffled: DNA samples taken from the rock match several samples lifted from the white Bronco." (Bob Mills)

* "This helps explain one bizarre life form that had previously mystified scientists. Marge Schott must be from the Reds planet." (Jenny Church)

* "Finally we understand why Dennis Rodman dyes his hair red: He's homesick." (Pearlstein)

* "This finally explains the origin of the Jackson family." (Steve Tatham)

* "The Learning Channel is now airing 'My Favorite Martian' as a documentary." (Mills)

* "Bob Dole's campaign is thrilled. If life can be found on Mars, it can be found in San Diego." (Argus Hamilton)


In the news: Dole proposes giving Americans a $500 tax cut for every child they have. Says Jay Leno, "The liberal Democrats want to give us free condoms and the conservative Republicans want to give us 500 bucks every time they don't work. What a great deal!"

Good Housekeeping magazine asked Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Dole for their cookie recipes. Says Hamilton, "They didn't ask Ross Perot's wife. She has no cookie recipes--but she has a fruitcake that's all yours this November."

Studies at Boston University and the University of Michigan show that the hotter it is, the less women like to have sex. Says Leno, "Boy, you thought Bill Clinton was worried about global warming before. . . ."

PacifiCare will buy FHP for $2.1 billion, says Mills, "even though both HMOs are suffering from a preexisting condition: inoperable greed."

The California Angels are losing manager Marcel Lachemann. Says Alan Ray, "Some say he tried too hard to make the team feel at home on the road. He always asked the hotel to put them in the basement."

Tonight's tribute to "NYPD Blue" will feature actor Dennis Franz. Says Church, "Fans of 'Psycho' agree that his shower scene was much scarier."

Macaulay Culkin asked a judge for permission to take $2 million from his trust fund to bail his parents out of near-bankruptcy and purchase them a house. Says Easley, "He had to get the OK because, being under age, he cannot buy a home alone."

According to Men's Health magazine, the most orgasms ever recorded by a woman in one hour was 134. Says Steve Voldseth, "Actually, it was only 133. She just said 134, you know, to make the guy feel better."


Reader Kent Bridwell of Los Angeles says son Christian, then 7, attended Mass with his mother one Sunday last year. While waiting in line for communion, Christian noticed a woman wearing a short necklace of large pearls.

"Nice necklace!" he blurted.

A little surprised, the woman whispered, "Why, thank you."

Christian then added:

"Just like Wilma Flintstone's!"

(His father wonders if she has worn those pearls since.)

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