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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

August 09, 1996

Let the games begin: NBC got such great ratings for its Olympics coverage, says Argus Hamilton, "Bob Dole announced that opening night of the GOP convention will feature women's gymnastics and swimming."

Dole has reportedly whittled his list of potential running mates to three names. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The only way he's gonna pull off the election is if those three names are the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost."

* Adds Bob Mills, "It's said he considered choosing a woman, but Kerri Strug's ankle just isn't up to heavy campaigning."

* Adds Valerie Marz, "If he picked Dan Quayle, they could run as 'Dole and Duller.' "

*

Martian chronicles: The Republicans can't agree on anything, says Charlie Reinke. "When they heard NASA say that there may have been primitive life on Mars, they instantly broke into two groups: pro-life on Mars and pro-choice on Mars."

* "Personally, I'm a bit of a skeptic. Until I see photos in the National Enquirer or the Star, count me out." (Jay Leno)

* "The discovery of orange blobs and worm residue from Mars is no mystery to wives. Obviously, men from Mars were squeezing orange juice and said they would clean up the mess themselves." (Cathleen Brown)

* "The bad news? The Martians give 'Independence Day' a rating of 'two tentacles down.' " (Cutler)

*

In the news: Consumer groups fear auto makers want to undermine tough state lemon laws with a weaker federal one. Asks Johnny Robish, "I wonder if they've ever considered the concept of just making good cars to begin with."

Elvis's longtime cook is promoting her new book. Says Hamilton, "When the King died in 1977, he was 100 pounds overweight. The cook couldn't talk until the statute of limitations ran out."

Eleven California cities will get grants to study how to keep scavengers from stealing recycled trash from curb sides. Says Jenny Church, "They're carefully watching recycled trash . . . reruns of 'Baywatch'?"

Forest fires are threatening Reno. Says Alan Ray, "The Nevada highway department knows what it's doing. When they say 'Sparks, next exit,' they mean it."

According to Men's Health magazine, the most orgasms ever recorded by a woman in one hour was 134. Says Alex Kaseberg, "The woman said she could have made it to 150 but her husband kept distracting her by yelling, 'Hey, keep it down in there, I'm trying to watch a ball game!' "

*

Reader Mary Caban was reading the story of "The Little Red Hen," in which none of the farm animals want to help the hen do the work but they all want to enjoy her finished bread, to her daughter Morgan, 5. When she finished, she asked Morgan if she thought the animals had learned their lesson and would help out the next time. Morgan replied:

"No, Mom. Every time you read it, they're still lazy and do the same thing."

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