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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

August 12, 1996

Hit the campaign trail, Jack: Bob Dole's choice for a running mate is Jack Kemp. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "The plus: He's upbeat, popular and loves cutting taxes. The minus: a former Buffalo Bills star who likes slashing?"

* Adds Paul Ecker, "Good luck, Jack. This is one role even Robin Williams doesn't want to play."

According to Bob Woodward's book "The Choice," Kemp told friends he doesn't think he's smart enough to be president. Says Cutler, "Don't worry, Jack. We knew Dan Quayle. Dan Quayle was a friend of ours. . . ."

One potential running mate begged off, fearing backlash because of a gay relative. Says Argus Hamilton, "Embarrassing relatives can be a big problem in politics. Roger Clinton is always having to explain that his brother really means well."

*

Hot time in old San Diego: The GOP has planned a dramatic opening ceremony, says Bob Mills. "Taking a cue from the Olympics, Mary Matalin will run into the convention center carrying a lighted Marlboro."

* He adds, "Rep. Susan Molinari has had to be cautioned several times to stop referring to her keynote speech as 'the eulogy."'

* Adds Alan Ray, "To allow a woman keynote speaker, conservatives demanded concessions. Before her address, she has to make a pot of coffee."

*

In the news: President Clinton visited California for the 26th time since being elected. Says Cutler, "He's made so many trips here, he's been made an honorary citizen of Haight-Ashbury."

A recent poll shows that more Americans would rather have dinner with Colin Powell than with Clinton or Dole. Says Gary Easley, "The main reason is that he is not running for anything and would not charge $500 a plate."

Asks Hy Faber, "If there were really Martian life forms, don't you think they'd be guests on 'The Ricki Lake Show' by now?"

* Adds Mills, "Skeptics have dubbed the discovery 'one small step for man, one giant leap for NASA's budget appropriation."'

Since the opening of "Independence Day," there's been a surge in reports of unexplained phenomena. Says Reno Goodale, "Today, believe it or not, I actually saw someone let another driver into traffic."

An Australian inventor has come up with a paint-on condom. Wonders Steve Voldseth, "If you have trouble putting it on, who do you call--Dr. Ruth or Bob Vila?"

Christie Brinkley has become engaged for the fourth time. Says Ray, "Now, down at the courthouse, instead of a marriage license they give her a seven-day temporary tag."

*

Reader John Degatina of Los Angeles says he was watching the Olympics on TV with some family members. His nephew's 1-year-old daughter was jumping up and down, holding her index finger straight up. "She thinks she's No. 1," said her dad. Just then her 4-year-old brother caught a whiff of her diaper and said:

"Well, she smells like No. 2."

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