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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

August 13, 1996

Conventional wisdom: NBC News vowed to cover the GOP convention the same way it covered the Atlanta Olympics. "And why not?" asks Argus Hamilton. "Both events are designed to grab all the gold and beat up on foreigners."

Big disturbance last night in the Christian Coalition camp, says Alan Ray. "One of its delegates was spotted having fun."

After flip-flopping on abortion and tax cuts, Bob Dole is beginning to rival President Clinton as a political chameleon. Says Paul Steinberg, "This year's debates will consist of each candidate arguing with himself."

Dole surprised many by picking former political enemy Jack Kemp as his running mate. Says Johnny Robish, "I can't think of a better job than vice president for someone you dislike."

* "It's fitting that Dole chose a former housing secretary. Come Nov. 6, Kemp can help him look for some." (Bob Mills)

A Time-CNN poll says that to win the election, Dole must convert 90,000 voters a day. Says Hamilton, "He should've picked Billy Graham as a running mate."

*

In the news: A blackout unplugged much of the West. In L.A., traffic was gridlocked, police were on tactical alert. . . . "In other words," says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "it was business as usual."

* Adds Hamilton, "Turns out the power grid can't handle the Las Vegas strip and Jack Kemp's hair dryer at the same time."

The FBI says violent crime is down among juveniles but up among adults. Says Robish, "Our criminals are growing up."

In a survey, 46% of women said they would rather go shopping than have sex. Says Jay Leno, "That's why men always look so miserable at the mall."

Members of the New Jersey Pest Control Assn. are upset over the movie "Joe's Apartment." They say roaches are disgusting critters that spread serious disease and should not be "depicted as amusing creatures singing and dancing." Says Joe Vogel, "Warner Bros. executives could not be reached for comment because, well, they were out singing and dancing."

This culture is so obsessed with body image that kids as young as 9 want to go on a diet. Says Jenny Church, "A strict diet: No broccoli, no Brussels sprouts, no spinach. . . ."

Tom Cruise is being called a hero for the third time this year after rescuing a family in a boating mishap. Says Cutler, "Richard Jewell is asking, 'Has the FBI investigated him?' "

About that woman who had 134 orgasms in one hour: Says Bill Williams, "It was actually quite easy. Her husband wore a musical condom that played 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' "

*

Reader Jeffrey Rimmer of Laguna Hills says one day when he was teaching an elementary-school class, a girl asked him, "How do you spell 'sex'?" Why do you ask, he inquired.

"Well, I'm writing a story about insects and I already know how to spell 'in.' "

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