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Laugh Lines

Punch Lines

August 16, 1996

Beating the Dole-drums: Elizabeth Dole brought down the house when she took her microphone out into the crowd on the convention floor:

* "Can she ever work a room! She moved through that crowd like a tornado with a three-picture deal at Paramount." (Argus Hamilton)

* "Call her 'Elizabeth Dole-ahue.' " (Bob Mills)

* "Phyllis Schlafly heard she was working the floor, so she gave her a mop." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

How long has Bob Dole been running for this presidential nomination? "Since the GOP was the Grand Young Party," says Cutler.

What's a moderate Republican? Says Bill Williams, "Somebody whose nanny philosophy is, 'Don't ask, don't tell.' "

Getting ready for the group photo, says Mills, "Bob Dornan and Arlen Specter kept trying to step to the right of each other. When last seen, they were several miles south of Tijuana."

Enough with the football talk, says Mills. "Aides say Jack Kemp wants to be sworn in with his left hand on the NFL rule book."

Among the Least Popular Convention Souvenirs, according to David Letterman's "Late Show":

* Bob Dole kidney stone cuff links.

* Gift certificate for free back rub from Newt Gingrich.

* Bath mat made from Charlton Heston's old hairpieces.

* Sunglasses tinted to make Dole look a little more like Colin Powell.

* "Honk if you have a sinking feeling this isn't our year" bumper sticker.

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In the news: The judge in the O.J. Simpson civil trial has issued a gag order to keep all witnesses and lawyers from talking about the case:

* "At least until their book tours begin." (Cutler)

* "Man, where was this guy during the criminal case?" (Rudolph J. Cecera)

* "He also delayed the trial by eight days. This will allow lawyers on both sides more time to bill their clients." (Alan Ray)

Donald Trump wants to build the world's tallest building, which he hopes would house the New York Stock Exchange. Says Johnny Robish, "Seems he just can't stop building gambling palaces."

* Adds Cecera, "Is that a good idea--putting all those stockbrokers in such a tall building?"

On this day in 1969, the Woodstock festival was in full flower. Asks Cutler, "Want to take a memory down trip lane?"

More thoughts on the new magazine Divorce:

* "The first issue features a centerfold of Larry King." (Funny Scheet)

* "Women get to read it during the week, and men get it every other Saturday." (Leno)

*

Reader Barbara Schoonover of Hermosa Beach says her granddaughter Heather was nagging her in a typical 5-year-old manner. She said, "Heather, you are driving me crazy with your incessant 'Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!' Give me a break!"

"OK," Heather retorted. "How about if for a while I call you Barbara?"

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