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LAUGH LINES

Punch Lines

August 20, 1996

Birthday Boy Bill: President Clinton's 50th birthday festivities ran into a slight technical difficulty, says Boomer Maverick. "For Bill to blow out all those candles, he would have had to inhale.

* "Weird coincidence: At the precise moment Clinton made a wish and blew out the candles, Al D'Amato slipped and fell on his butt." (Olympia Daily World)

* "D'Amato had sent the president a new suit as a gift. It fit just fine, but Clinton didn't seem to like the black-and-white stripes." (Jerry Perisho)

* "Tipper Gore shares the same birthday. She put a sticker on her present to Clinton: 'Warning: Not all activities are suitable for middle age.' " (Steve Tatham)

* "The president says he's lost 15 to 20 pounds since his last birthday. Don't worry, they're bound to turn up two years from now in some Whitewater file." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

*

In the news: The Republicans nominated a man who could be endorsed by both Colin Powell and Pat Buchanan. Says Argus Hamilton, "Now that's inclusive. If this tent were any bigger, the rest of the world would think we were fumigating."

* Adds Fuzzbee Morse, "Though they managed to gloss over their fierce differences on social issues, the GOP factions managed to reach a philosophy they can all unite behind. . . . A woman's right to shoes.' "

Twice last week pieces of jetliners fell from the sky into New York-area streets. Says Mike Reeder, "Is that what air-pollution experts mean when they warn of 'dangerous levels of airborne heavy metals'?"

A face-lift is overdue for an L.A. mural called "The Old Woman of the Freeway." Says Jenny Church, "She's at the 101, but she looks at least 405."

The company that makes Oakley sunglasses is pressing charges against a guy from Illinois who is selling counterfeit Oakleys for $44. Says Jay Leno, "They look just like real Oakleys. Of course the real Oakleys are $135 . . . and they're accusing him of robbery."

Major league baseball history was made when the first regular season game was played in Mexico. Fernando Valenzuela led the Padres over the Mets. Says Perisho, "Further history was made when Valenzuela was presented the ears of the losing pitcher."

Martial arts movie star Jackie Chan made his U.S. TV singing debut with a tender rendition of "Can't Help Falling in Love." Says Premiere Morning Sickness, "Later, he sang another favorite song, 'Can't Help Breaking a Brick With My Head.' "

*

After a visit with her daughter and grandson in Oregon, reader Patricia Strauss was packed up and ready to go home.

"Tidy up, Mark," his mother said, "we're taking Grandma to the train station."

"Why?" he asked. When told her vacation was over, Mark, 6, was silent for a bit, then sighed and said:

"Oh, well, she was fun while she lasted."

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